– What’s up guys? Welcome back to my channel. Today I have a pretty interesting video that I’ve been wanting
to film for you guys for a little while, and
I think it’s kind of like a funny type of video that you guys might be able to relate to, so I wanted to go ahead
and just talk to you a little bit about 10
odd, I guess, strange, weird, things that I do,
because of my mental illness. Now, I’m not making light of this, I’m not like making fun
of people who deal with stuff like this, because obviously like, I suffer from it to. I am just coming on here simply to kind of out myself a little bit, and just tell you guys what the reality of living with borderline
personality disorder is. And just some things that I have to deal with because of it, I guess. So, I made a list on my phone here. First thing, I’m just
gonna jump right into it, because if you don’t know what borderline personality disorder is, I would just recommend putting
another link up right now, and just kind of taking
a look at the symptoms, and like what people deal
with while living with that, if you don’t already know. I have many, many videos about this. I’m just gonna kind of jump in, and just tell you what I deal with. So first, number one is I ask my boyfriend literally over a hundred
times a day if he loves me. If you do have BPD, you
may or may not deal with like abandonment issues,
and I personally have, so I’m constantly afraid that my friends, and my family that I
do have, my boyfriend, they’re gonna leave me,
and they’re gonna stop talking to me, and that
they don’t love me. Number two. I have OCD, as well. I have struggled with OCD
pretty much my whole life, looking back now that I know
that that’s what it was. and I diagnosed OCD, I’m
supposed to be taking medication for it. So my beginning stages of the symptoms, I would like, have to touch something a certain amount of times,
and I know it sounds crazy or whatever, but if
you don’t deal with it, you don’t really understand. It’s just kind of a thing that you do, so like you’ll, I’ll adjust something, and if I have to touch it
like four or five times, that’s what I have to do. For example, a few years
ago, I lived in this house, and when I would lock the door at night, I’d have to touch it five times to make sure, I don’t know, for myself, like I would touch it five times, and that was just a ritual. And that’s what they’re
called, they’re called rituals. So I do still have
little rituals that I do. Sometimes people notice them, and they kind of like
call me out about it, or whatever, or sometimes they don’t. Like I do my own rituals, and I don’t even know if
Brian noticed them, sometimes. But yeah, so I do that, but I have to have hand sanitizer on me at all times, or around me. Like it’s just like this itch that I feel like I have to tend to. So at work, we always have hand sanitizer, I always keep it
literally right next to me on my right side, and
I use it all day long. I have it in my purse, I have
it in our room right here, like I’m looking at it, and I’m constantly worried about being, like my hands, just more specifically
my hands being dirty, like, if I’ll go pump gas, I
have to have hand sanitizer. And if I don’t, like I literally, it will drive myself
crazy, and I feel dirty, I feel disgusting, like
it literally hurts me. So yeah, that’s another thing. Number three, so I am a
very hyper-sexual person. Growing up, I’ve been in situations where I think that it
has like affected that. I feel like I’ve always been that way, and I think people who go through trauma, they either go one way, which is hyper-sexual, or
the complete other way, where it’s like you don’t like it, and you don’t want to be touched, you don’t want to have sex, you don’t want to deal
with that kind of stuff. So yeah, I definitely
did go the opposite way. And that is just like the reality, the harsh reality of living with borderline personality disorder, and dealing with those
types of situations. And that’s just like how I am. It has affected my past relationships in a negative way, but like my relationship now, we’re great, like you know, I’m not too sexual. I’m not like, it’s not a problem now. But in past relationships, it had been, and I was always too much for someone, and it’s just too much,
like they can’t handle it, and all this stuff, which is fine. If you deal with something like that, then you need to find a partner
that is able to handle you. Four, I dissociate quite a bit. I feel like it happens in waves, like some days I’m good, really good, can hold a conversation down, other days I’m kind of weird, like it just depends. My old job at the dental office, my old boss noticed it, and I actually addressed it one time with her. We were just talking, and I was like, I just warned her, I may
sometimes like blank out and stare, and may not even, it’s not that I’m purposefully
not listening to you, it’s just that my mind
goes somewhere else, and it’s a coping mechanism that I made for myself as a child. I would dissociate, if I
was in a bad situation, and kind of go to a different place, and I still do that to this day. Even if I’m not dealing
with anything negatively, or having a bad experience,
it just happens now. And because I did it so
much when I was a child, it still affects me to this day. And I still do it, and
I don’t even realize it. When and if I’m in therapy, my therapist will notice
when it’s happening if we’re talking about
something, or whatever. And she’s like, if you dissociate, make sure you tell me, so we can go back. Because we can’t address something if you’re dissociating,
you’re not getting it. So that is one thing that I struggle with and I deal with, and
it just kinda happens. It’s like an every day thing. Yeah, you know. Number five, I have lied to my therapist many, many times so I don’t get admitted to a hospital, because
I am not trying to go and be in a hospital. And I know that’s really, really bad, and very not good, but this
is just something I do. And I will be like, it’s not as bad, I’m feeling a lot better, only because I don’t want to get fucking
admitted to a hospital. But it’s not a healthy thing, so I’m not telling you guys to do this, this is just something that I do. I have self-destructive behavior, like I’ve said, it’s the reality of living with mental illness. And I’m not saying that this is what you should be doing,
but this is just kind of a way for me to express what I do, and what my faults are,
and what I need to work on living with this. Six, I buy things I
don’t need all the time. I’m a lot better now,
because I’m actually broke, so there’s nothing for me
to be spending money on. But yeah, it’s a problem, and I’ve always been like that, always. I would just spend money,
like tons of money, like 200 and something
dollars on just shit that I don’t need, and
then I would come home and immediately be like, oh no, I felt so guilty, like I shouldn’t have spent that much money. I don’t need this, why do I need this? And then I’m super guilty, and then I’ll go return it the next day. Or like I would do it with food, and binging, that’s my next one. So food and binging is my number seven. I find comfort in food, and
I’ve always been like that. I know I’ve mentioned
before in other videos that I have a disordered eating, and I will eat to fill that void. Just like with, I hate to say this, and I hate for this to sound bad, but that’s how I was with sex, as well. Yeah, like I do self-destructive behavior to fill these voids that
I have within myself, and food is a huge, huge,
huge problem for me. And I’m working through it, I’m always teetering
between starving myself because I want to be skinny,
and I don’t want to eat, and binging, and filling that void. And it’s really hard, it really sucks, and if you’re dealing with that, I’m really sorry and I
wish I had a cure for you. I wish I had the best
advice that I could for you, but I don’t have it. And I don’t even have that for myself, and I’m looking for it. So if you guys have any
advice or anything for that, let me know. Number eight, I want
to sleep all the time. Like I will sleep forever,
like hours and hours and hours. And I don’t, I will feel guilty about it, but I never am just like, oh I’m really, really
pissed I slept all day. Nope, not me, I love it. Like I will sleep all day, and for me it helps prevent
me from self-harming, and eating, and just doing
bad things to myself, so I’d rather just sleep, and I’d rather just be like, you know what, this is the safest place and thing for me to be doing right now, and that’s what I have to do. Number nine. I split on people, I’ll idolize them. So splitting is where you
can go from really loving someone and adoring
them, every little thing about them, you want to be them almost. And that’s kind of a weird thing. I don’t know if I’ve
addressed this on my channel, but idolizing people to the
point where you’re like, I wanna be just like them, because you feel like your personality isn’t enough, I guess. So I do this all the time. Especially because social media is so, there’s so many people. And there’s so much that you see, and you can idolize, and you don’t even
really know that person, but they have the perfect
body in your mind. You know what I mean? Like you idolize them,
you want to be them, you want to be their friend. And I know that may sound crazy, but this is it man, this is
borderline personality disorder, and I frickin’ hate it. But it’s just what I do. So like I’ll split on people. I do this often to my friends. If they don’t text me
back, if I reach out, I’m really, really, I’m a great friend. I reach out to all my friends at least once a week, and I’m like, hey, thinking of you, hope you’re
having a great fucking day. If you’re having a hard time,
I’m here, blah blah blah. And I would say about 50% of my friends don’t text me back, don’t respond to me for a really long time,
and it hurts my feelings, and I take it way too to heart. And Brian’s always like,
you gotta chill out with that, because sometimes
people can’t get back to you. And sometimes you don’t text people back, so how does that work? So it’s hard. And then I’ll split on
them, and be like fuck them, I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t even want them to respond to me, I don’t even care. And then it’s like this
cycle, but that’s not true. So yeah. Number 10. I have a blankey. And I talked about blankey before on here. I sound psychotic. But blankey is a blanket I have had since I was literally
born out of the womb. My aunt Melody got it
for me when I was a baby. It originally had Mickey
Mouse, and Minnie, and Pluto I think when they’re babies, and they are on the blanket. Now they don’t have anything on there, because I’ve literally, I’m
gonna be 27 in December, and I’ve had it my whole entire life, and it’s my security blanket. Like I sleep with it every single night, I like need it. And with borderline personality disorder, and if you experience trauma, things that you did as children carries with you in your adult life. So I just learned this last year. The reason why I have blankey, and I watch cartoons, and
there’s certain things that I myself have to have and have to do throughout the day, or whatever, is because of my trauma, and that is like my security. And I just hold onto that, and I will never get rid of blankey, I love blankey, I sleep with it every single night, and I’m not ashamed of that, because it’s just who I am, and it’s what I deal with. And if that helps me, and
if that is what I need to sleep and be there with, then I don’t care, you know? So yeah, those are my 10 things. What are your things that you do that kind of are like weird or odd that you deal with living
with your mental illness? Because I’m sure there’s
more for me right now, but these are just the 10 things that I could think of that are obvious. I’m sure there’s like little things that I don’t even realize that are weird, or
whatever, odd, whatever. But yeah, I just wanted to come on here and share that with you guys right now. Otherwise, like update, I
did film an update video that I’m going to be sharing with you I think after this, I want
to get this video up first. I am about to go to the gym. Gonna hit some legs today, I got my favorite vegan Ani shoes. They’re called Anis. These literally are the best shoes I probably have ever had, and I am one of those people that like love high-tops, like Converse, and Vans, and stuff like that, but because those aren’t vegan, I can’t, I don’t repurchase them. I haven’t repurchased
any of like my Converse, and stuff like that for forever. But these are super cute high-tops, all vegan, ethically made, and I honestly just love this brand, and I’m very happy to
be working with them. So if you guys are interested in those, you can use my code,
and they actually donate 10% of the proceeds to Mercy for Animals, which I think is an awesome thing to do. So yeah, I’m about to get ready, go hit a leg day, you
know what I’m sayin’. But yeah, I hope you
guys enjoyed this video, and I know how fuckin’ hard it can be, just like your every little, day-to-day things that you do
that you don’t even realize, but they really take a toll on you, and maybe even your
relationships and stuff. But I’m learning that I
need to accept those things, because that is a big part of my life, and that is who I am, and I’m learning that
I need to accept that, and in order to do so, I have
to acknowledge those things. So that was kind of my
point for this video, and to be able to better
myself in that way. I hope you guys enjoyed it, if you guys, like I said,
have any like weird things that you do, please share them with me, because I think, it’s not funny, but it’s kinda comedic, in a
way, I guess you could say, for me at least, because I’m like, oh yeah, you know, BPD, turn up. This is just shit that I do. I love you guys so much, and I appreciate all
your love and support. Thank you guys for everything that you do, and all your kind messages and words. I don’t think you guys even realize how much those mean to
me, so thank you again. My poetry work is so close to being done, I’ve been writing, and editing like crazy. I’m so excited and so ready
to release this for you guys. This book is for anyone who has dealt with any eating disorders, sexual trauma, child abuse, drug
addiction, mental illness in the family, with your parents, picking up the pieces from
when they do stupid shit. Raising your family, raising siblings. This book is for anyone who’s ever felt so low about themselves that death is the only solution. Self-harm, anything like that, this book is for you. And I’m so excited to share it with you, I’m so excited to share my struggles, and my thoughts on things,
and my experiences with you, because I feel like it’s relatable, and if you’ve been through it, and if you’ve seen it with your own eyes, sometimes it’s cathartic to read other people’s
experiences, as well. So I’m just so grateful and so excited that I have this opportunity
to share that with you. So yeah, I love you guys, and I hope you guys have a great week. New video after this will be coming soon about a little update with me, and how I’ve been feeling and stuff. So yeah, I love you guys so much. I hope you guys have a
great rest of your day, and I will see you guys next time. Bye.


  1. Hey guys if you're struggling and need some help with therapy be sure to check out BetterHelp which is an online therapy service with licensed professionals! <3 http://tryonlinetherapy.com/sammymgrimm

  2. Be sure to check out dialectical behavioral therapy. It was created by a psychologist with BPD. It's helpful for everyone especially people with BPD.

  3. I do that a night I have check my door lock around 10 times most nights and also I recently started with hand klenzer

  4. I just wanna fucking kill myself I have been will this shit all my life , I hate me , hate my life , my parents , I wish there’s a way to kill me with no pain

  5. Everything you’re saying is literally how I feel but in words. What’s crazy is I have the same blanket!

  6. Thank you for sharing your daily struggles. My heart bleeds for you and I wish you nothing but peace, love, and security.
    Please take note, God created some people with special gifts like yours and one day, your gifts will be needed to help heal others one day. So the hardships you face daily are honorable sacrfices to help someone else in the future.

  7. One weird thing I have is i have a weird thing with silk? Soft things in general, but silk especially calms me down and comforts me for some reason. It's really weird. Like I tear the rags off of towels just to have and feel.

  8. Felt this. especially with the friends. I split so much because allot of other trauma comes from previous "friendships". and to some old friends who i still love very much i check on them and never miss a "happy birthday" wish. but i never get reached out to first. and i feel like i'm only spoken to out of pity. 90% of the friends ive had were just a vicious cycle after the other of me being over nurturing because im insecure i will be left but in the end im stupid because i give my all and really do get left. I just want to meet someone who will emotionally reciprocate me. now i make acquaintances and before we even become friends the slightest sign of sus behavior i dip. i wipe myself off their world and most times its really not necessary but the fucking paranoiaaa. a few of the previous people who hurt me have tried coming back saying they miss me and how i was a good friend (of course now they are dead to me) but i know for a fact i have plenty of toxic insecure ass behavior and they only stayed around because they didn't love me. they loved what i did for them. so now im completely and utterly alone i have literally no friends. well 4 but i talk to them at most, 3 times a year. its hard enough being hard to love. being ugly too is just an even bigger fuck you to the face. nobody is gonna love me. en ugly fat complicated depressive ass bitch. thank you for listening to my ted talk.

  9. Posting something that is remotely personal, trying to open up and be like a normal human being and then deleting it like 10 mins later from the random ass anxiety you get from it.

  10. I have my rituals,. Smell cups and dishes , I also have to have some moisture for my lips…I have a hyper sex drive , it's not a good feeling if you want to settle down,

  11. I recently got diagnosed and this video really makes me feel like I’m not alone or crazy. A lot of the time I feel weird about these habits and that I’m the only one that does it. But this shows I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing.

  12. I binge eat, I’m hyper sexual, and I spend all my money on the food I binge eat, and I dissociate 🙄

    Adding passive suicide ideation always.

    Also apparently I already commented on this video 9 months ago LMAOOOO. Nothing has changed.

  13. I honestly feel like crying. I am undiagnosed and have been going to therapists/on meds for 20 years, and this sounds just like me. I have a very bad marriage because of trauma and my emotional instability. Every day is hell, and there is so much pain.

  14. Thank you for your openness and honesty=) May I recommend NLP and family constellation work, they helped me more than most anything else. Way to go sister!

  15. Okay have any of you watched Crazy ex girlfriend? I have BPS so please don’t yell at me if you aren’t a fan

  16. You are a brave young woman, you might not realize it but videos like this have such a positive affect on removing the stigma attached to mental illness. Thank-you

  17. I hate living with Bpd and bipolar 1.. with severe ocd.. it sucks.. it ruins everything but I try to make the best of it

  18. Have you ever been falsely diagnosed with bipolar instead of borderline? Just wondering!
    So many of these symptoms I have, especially frivolous spending. I can’t stand so many of these symptoms and I wish I could just make it stop already. Thank you for being so honest.

  19. Ive been diaginosed with it, and other things but i wont tell my family because they will ask what kind of event built up to this disorder, and im not into sharing traumatic stories of myself.

  20. I have bpd and I feel you I’m hyper sexual and I disassociate myself a lot I went. A year without talking to my family or seeing them 🙁 they don’t get me so i lost them all…

  21. Are you really a good friend?
    Here's my poetry:
    "To my nephew's bpd ex-girlfriend"
    My experience is bpds think they are better people than they are. Bpds are not the victim they think they are. They create victims everywhere they are.

  22. 1. Hypersexual 2. Constant need of reassurance 3. Splitting 4. Cuddles 5. Disassociation 6. Melt downs 7. Isolate 8. Acts childish around my best friend at times. 9. Sees my best friend as little kid cute. 10. Craves affection like no other.

  23. I dont even know what you would call this but I remember when this first started I was in 1st grade and we were doing math and I really didnt understand and I felt so overwhelmed and like everyone else knew and I felt these bumps on my arms almost like pimples. And I sat for about 15 min in a dissociative state vigorously picking my arms. Weather or not there was something there I would pick to the point where it looked like I was attacked by bees and my arms would be sore and bleed for days.. Whenever I'm stressed or start over thinking I do it without realizing. My boyfriend will catch me and try to stop me but it's a feeling of I HAVE TO do it . And I still do it till this day and I'm almost 23. Also extremely werid, when my arms would be really sore I would resort to plucking the hair on my legs and armpits. Along with a lot of other very off putting things to see a child do 😂

  24. I haave/do all of that except the ocd.
    And I dont text first for that same reason because I always feel like they dont want to talk to me or I'm annoying and I get cut if I dont get a reply.

  25. My symptoms are
    I'm obsessive with friends and boyfriends
    High sex drive
    Always feel empty
    Drug and alcohol abuse
    Self harm
    Binge eating or starving (no in between)
    Anger issues
    Panic attacks
    I have a pillow I've had since birth
    Very childish and clingy
    Feel both ugly and beautiful simultaneously
    Major mood swings
    Tired all the time
    Memory loss

  26. I swear everything you just said and listed I do the exact same I swear we’re long lost twins or something lol

  27. This is a great video! Everything you said it very accurate and what we go through every day! I am a film producer with BPD,OCD,ADD,Depression and a lot of problems haha but I just want to say we can still be successful so everyone doubting it is hard but very possible

  28. I've never related to someone so much…. I haven't been diagnosed. But I relate with almost all of these. I have OCD, am hypersexual, self harmed, have suicidal tendencies, I binge food and go through bouts of not eating, I sleep a lot and have a terrible sleep schedule. I'm terrible in work environments unless it's something I'm comfortable/feel safe in/dont feel like I will screw up, I have outbursts (usually non-violent), and I've said the same thing about hypersexual and sexual (one way or another)

  29. I grew up with my mother cleaning the house EVERY SINGLE DAY of the YEAR top to bottom. I don't know what normal is.

  30. Hyper sexual
    Dissociative often
    Using eating, sex and sleep to not do bad things.
    Running away or not being bothered by hurting people.

    Yep those are my TOP ones. It affects my life so much and I’m exhausted

  31. Thank u! My sister has bpd and this gave me a lot of insight! You are beautiful inside and out! Thank u for sharing your struggles

  32. For me its from actually being abandoned and emotionally disconnected…i fear falling back into that because of how tormenting it feels. Gotta believe God can heal though. God bless you.

  33. I noticed when I go through an episode I go on a shopping spree and not just a couple dollars here and there but like hundreds of dollars at a time sometimes. Thankfully I'm being treated now !

  34. Heres what i deal with:
    1. Lashing out
    2. Not letting my bf have friends
    3. Fear of abandonment
    4. Dissociation and alters
    5. Needing to be home by 8pm
    6. Attention seeking
    7. Obsessively checking appearance
    8. Developed anorexia
    9. Constantly buying shit

  35. I split on my bf when he turns over in bed and doesn't hug me.
    My rational brain knows he's sleeping and is just turning round to get comfortable but my bpd is screaming he doesn't give a shit about me!
    It's absolutely brutal living with this.
    Everyone thinks your overeating,but the emotions you feel are so intense and real.
    Thanks for making this video,can totally relate <3

  36. I have all ten of your habits except I stopped sleeping with a stuffed eeyore when I was 30 and had my daughter

  37. My eleven
    1. Drugs and alcohol abuse
    2. Extreme mood changes/anger issues
    3. Obsessive crushes/splitting.
    4. Sleep all day.
    5. Self harm
    6. Hyper sexual
    7. Disassociation
    8. I either eat a lot. Or don’t eat for like 5 days.
    9. Panic attacks
    10. Suicidal thoughts
    11. Self isolation

  38. For the binge eating – I went through the same exact thing due to super traumatic experiences in my life and the one thing that helped me the most was a 24 hour fast. For some reason it showed my mind I can live without food, i stopped getting anxious about not eating and in a weird way I felt like I restarted my immune system and everytime I had a rough day and want to binge on everything I just remember when I fasted or.. chew the food and spit it out lol its gross! But my mouth wanted it, my body didnt and I didnt have the guilt. Or chew gum, that helps me too.

  39. We should just have a get together or a concert where we can all meet people living with BPD, it would be fun❤️

  40. Wow, this is really relatable. Especially the thing with blankie – I saw a video once about how having a soothing object can help with bpd, because it's healthier to depend on a safe object than it is on a person or an unhealthy habit. Best of luck with being and feeling healthy, and sending lots of love 🙂

  41. I can relate to every single symptom to bpd and my mom has had it and i can 100% relate to this video. Im nervous to get help

  42. This is the first video I’ve come across that mentions still actively having a childhood comfort (blanket, or teddy in my case)
    I always thought I was a weirdo for being 27 and still sleeping with Teddy. But it’s the only thing that helps me to sleep, or comforts me when I’m sad. He’s like my safe space.

    Thank you for not being scared and talking it. Because I honestly didn’t connect two.
    Brb while I go hug Teddy 😂😂

  43. I am struggling with BPD and I am 19 you literally relate to me in every level! I’m trying to figure it out myself and I hope I’m comfortable enough to live with it

  44. i am diagnosed bipolar and adhd with bpd traits. i thought i have ocd too, but psychologist said she thinks i don't, and i am just a perfectionist. i feel like she's wrong., but i think i have a different form of ocd than the whole "tapping 5 times" thing. seems like i am beyond being perfectionist, but maybe i am not quite ocd, but more on the borderline of it (no pun intended lol). either way, it's too obsessive to be just a perfectionist. i think she just didn't want to overwhelm me with yet another disorder. im dealing with enough having these 3 beasts ugh. sucks.

  45. I have just stumbled upon your channel with this vid. I love it. You're a star. I am scared to count my 'things'. I hope we can chat one day x

  46. Thanks for the video I do alot of what you do except I don't have ocd I also have ptsd and with medication and mindfulness I'm getting a little better with control and not be so impulsive I've struggled with substance abuse since I was 13 now I'm 21 and that's a long time .

  47. I have BPD and Supernatural abilities. It makes things interesting.
    1. Not knowing if the voices in my head are from spirits or myself.
    2. Thinking I’m crazy
    3. Over-validating people; putting them on a pedestal.
    4. Critical of myself to the point of nausea
    5. Needing answers to everything in my life or I’m terrified
    6. Fluctuate from hyper sexual to low for days at a time
    7. Doubting myself/fighting in my head
    8. Not starting anything I want to do because i don’t feel I’m worthy to receiving it
    9. Manipulating conversations to steer in my benefit
    10. Making drastic, life-changing decisions on a whim

    I’ve gotten SO much better at regulating these. I no longer use my sexuality to manipulate others (as I did in my teens). I am thinking through decisions before jumping. And I am challenging my dangerous thoughts to think outside the box. Knowledge and logic (and common sense) have saved me living with this condition.

  48. A few years ago I lost about 20 or 30 pounds because I was so anxious I had to get out of the house every afternoon and walk around, also I felt I did not deserve food so I would have just one big meal a day around 5 pm. I think I'm slipping back into that pattern.

  49. Something ive recently learned that was sort of odd that i do because of my mental illness is i have to wake up with 2 to 3 hours to just get ready before i leave my house. Most of it is honestly just spacing out. Its like my brain needs time to "load" before im ready to face the outside world. Or else im pretty much guaranteed to have an episode because i just start off too overwhelmed.
    At least since ive learned this about myself im seldom late though which is kind of cool for someone who used to be chronically late.

  50. I do have advice …de tent can help
    Look him up watch his lectures …hes all natural healer

    Take plant based lithium ..b vitamins also

  51. Honey decide to be in control of yourself and you will be it's literally a mental choice slow down your breathing calm creates clarity and what others think of you is none of your business k love xx

  52. I think I have a touch of bpd, let me explain what it’s like, for me. I may be on the sociopathy scale as well. I feel like a soulless void. I don’t fit in with people. However, I fake it. I am either sad or mad. People say I have a blank face and very distant. If someone doesn’t contact me after I feel close to them, I’ll just cut them off. As for abandonment, I don’t feel that so much directly. At work, I get super angry when someone with the same job title as me refuses to do grunt work. If we aren’t working as a team, I have to controlled my bpd and rage. Every now and then I’ll blow my cool and let them have it when there is no teamwork. If I am around narcissists, I really have to use self control. I have to deal with them at work. When I see from that shit going on, and nobody working as a team, I feel abandoned and lose my cool. I have narcissistic tendencies as well. It’s like a quite introverted type of narcissism. I feel like it’s only being done to me and my dad at work. I don’t know who I am. It’s very strange, but I’ll see my coworkers talking about things and being happy and I wonder why? Why have interests in insignificant things? Why the small talk, what drives them? Very shallow affect makes me very distant with people who do not share equally, or do not share my interests. I have nothing against people who don’t share my interests, but if someone I don’t care about. Tries to start up a conversation, I’ll look at them for a moment and walk away. I won’t respond either. When my bosses lie to me about raises and what not, I go grey rock. I’ll refuse to talk to them. Usually around people I am very quit and observant. I have a super cold stare, when I feel I have been wronged. I will always seek revenge. It may take years, but if the opportunity is just right. I’ll pay them back ten fold. It’s a very covert way, so that the blame can’t be pinned on me, unless I want them to. I’ll give them just enough to wonder who got them. If I get equal respect I’ll go out of my way to return the favor.

  53. 1) self harm (binge, starvations, cutting)
    2) zone out a lot
    3) over spending
    4) fear of abandonment
    5) I get bored very easily with things. Which comes with compulsive behavior
    6) I don’t know how to explain my emotions; which makes me mad
    7) I take things very literally
    8) I have trust issues with relationships
    9) I got back and forth with wanting sex and not wanting sex at all
    10) I go through moments of blocking people out. Especially people I love. I then feel bad about it, and start thinking they hate me for doing it.

  54. Thanks so much for sharing! I can relate to so much of this. I'm an undiagnosed BPD. How did you find out about your diagnosis?

  55. I do all these things. Ive never been diagnosed with BPD though. I thought I had Bipolar disorder but my mania doesnt last long enough.

  56. Check out Teal Swan’s videos! She is amazing in her understanding of our behaviors, their root causes, and how to heal from them <3 stay strong you guys 🙂

  57. I think at 42 years old I finally see what's going on with me. The only opposite on my list is extreme, debilitating insomnia as opposed to over sleeping. The rest is as if you drew my life. Thanks for helping me understand!

  58. You came up in my recommended section. I was diagnosed with bpd 6 years ago, and I’ve been in and out of therapy but never “labeled” myself with it because I figured my mood swings and my separation and lack of emotion towards people was “normal” because I’m in my twenties. But holy shit I didn’t realize my binge eating vs going days with out eating & my dissociation & SLEEPING SPELLS was all due to my bpd lmao. I work two jobs and go to school so it’s hard to figure out if it’s my bpd or life ! You’re not alone and everything in this video is literally things I can relate to on a day to day basis. We gotta make the best of it. Some top traits 1.binge eating to not eating 2. Sleeping or feeling tired all the time 3. Lack of interest in people (besides my love interest) 4. The feeling that either people are always mad at you or that they’ll leave you. 5. Lack of confidence in anything unless it’s with my jobs. 6. My obsession / attachment to my cat (who I’ve had for 12 years and honestly can’t imagine life with out her) 7. Cutting my skin (not to the point of pouring our blood. But enough to feel something) to calm and relax me (this happens twice a year with severe break downs)

  59. I do the same thing with texting my boyfriend but I just text “I love you” to see if he’ll text it back. I don’t ask “do you love me?” because I’m scared I’ll scare him away.

  60. I DEAL WITH PTSD DID AND BPD AND SCHIZOAFFECTIVE 🤦🏽‍♀️ it’s hard but I’m learning to cope with it. I can’t keep any stable relationship I always need validation I’m always changing my look I feel insecure and inadequate most of the time. I just want to b happy

  61. not diagnosed ( no docters will help and i’ve had 19 theripasts)
    – everyday i wake up feeling different, i can love the way i look or feel completely disgusting and that can change in minutes, i don’t know if i’m insecure or extremely confident.
    – i’ve had tons of boyfriends and all them lasted under one month because of how clingy and obsessive i was, that turned into me over thinking making assumptions and pushing everyone away
    -i’ve lost 50 pounds over the past 3 months, when i walk i feel light headed and dizzy and sometimes i feel like since i lost weight i can eat but right after i feel so guilty and try to make myself throw up, sometimes it doesn’t work and i sit in my washroom crying and punching myself in the head for hours
    – i feel empty, i feel as that i think unlike anyone else and no one can understand me so i just have no reason to be here
    – i don’t know how to explain this one, i feel the need to impress everyone, i have to completly cake my face in makeup and go out in revealing clothes to feel okay about who i am but then if someone says they want to have sex with me i get super uncomfortable and terrified like i’m not asking for that.


  62. Me too! I'm working on this and Google sent me to you. I wasn't sure if I would like other people with BPD, but you seem fun, smart and courageous. I'll watch more. TY!

  63. It feels so good to know there's also people put there that struggle with the mental illness just like I do and can relate to me

  64. BPD is not a mental illness is my understanding,… is it?
    It is a “Personality “ disorder professionals say. Does it make any difference? Who cares, it is still pretty hard for People to deal with.
    My only help comes from the Lord.
    Best wishes to all.

  65. I wish there were more relatable videos about BPD like this one. Felt like you were talking to an understanding friend about an issue that you both have and can relate to and kinda giggle at

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