Celebrity Breakups and Dolphins Getting High (feat. Isla Fisher) – Lights Out with David Spade

Celebrity Breakups and Dolphins Getting High (feat. Isla Fisher) – Lights Out with David Spade


We’ve got some sad news
this week. Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes
have called it quits. -Ugh. -(audience reacts)
-After six years of… kind of dating?
Secretly dating? I don’t know what’s going on. They’ve been seen stepping out
with new people. They’re not even, like,
on my top, like, uh, deepfake celebrity
sex tape scroll, you know? -SPADE: Scroll?
-Yeah. I don’t, uh… That’s, like, everybody
at the line at Whole Foods. I mean, come on,
look at it, you know? It’s just… It’s everyone in line
at Whole Foods? -Yeah. They’re too nice. -Which
Whole Foods are you going to? They’re too nice,
that’s what I’m trying to say. -Oh, they’re nice.
-Oh, yeah. I think it’s gonna be tough
for her. She’s– This is some big hitters
she’s been with: Tom Cruise, Jamie Foxx… Who’s next? Dave Attell?
What is she gonna…? -ATTELL: Oh, really?
-SPADE: I like… -Thank you. -She’s gonna go
from being at the Met Gala to being at the Comedy Cellar
at 1:00 a.m. watching him do crowd work
with some Asian tourists. Thank you. First of all… Coming from a guy who looks
like he’s dressed for, like, I guess, bird-watching? What are you
What are you here for? They didn’t tell me it was… (applause and cheering) They didn’t tell me it was dress
up as the job you didn’t take. I mean… At least Dave looks the part. Dave, you probably don’t even
know what breaking up is, right, ’cause you have to actually be
in a relationship first. -ATTELL: Whoa. You know what?
-FISHER: And then… over time,
after you’re committed, then that’s when
you might break up. SPADE:
Oh, I get it now. I think Marvelous Mrs. Maple
said it best. Right. Is that maple hair?
I like it. -No, I, uh… -I know how
you got us on the show, but how did you get her
on the show? -FITZSIMMONS: Yeah, right.
-I didn’t read the e-mail. -She’s a legitimate star. -She
thought it was a birthday party. She just said,
I’ll come, whatever. All right.
Listen, uh… He just released
another single I like. Katie Holmes, that’s nice. -Look at how I wrapped that up.
-ATTELL: That was it? -FISHER: That was it?
-Yeah, that was nice. That was the wrap-up.
No, we got another one. I just found out–
this is great, and this isn’t part
of the show– I just found out that dolphins are getting high
off toxins from puffer fish. They’re deadly when they’re not
prepared correctly. Uh, looks like my drug dealer’s got some competition
from my sushi guy. Both are in the Valley. Uh, what do we think?
Isla, you have a puffer fish, -I think, at your house.
-Yeah, in my vagina. (laughter) -And it also releases
-ATTELL: Lights out. a poisonous toxin when animals go
and try to eat it. Well, they-they get high. I-I know how
they’re gonna make SeaWorld a little bit more fun. Just toss a couple of those
in the dolphin tank. It’s like spiking the punch. And now when
they throw the hoops, instead of catching them
on their nose, they’re gonna grab them
on their rock-hard (bleep). (laughter) SPADE:
By the way, speaking of… There goes the Daytime Emmy. SPADE:
Yeah. When I was in, uh, Hawaii– Island dropping–
I was, uh– It’s a little island out there,
(clicks tongue) yonder– but I went into this hotel and they had dolphins there
you play with, but it was right next
to the ocean, and they’re jumping around. I had Noah, the best one. And then, you know,
you swim around with them, but then I saw him one time
catch a view. He’s like… (trills)
Then he goes, “Hmm.” Splash, then he goes… (trills) “Is that the ocean right…? (trills)
Then he goes, “Not a hundred yards away,
it’s easily f– Everybody up on three. Whoo!” And, so, uh,
they were figuring out that this was smaller
than the actual ocean ’cause they’d been lied to. And then I saw Noah, uh, like, two weeks later,
and I go, “Noah!” And the dolphin,
he goes, “Hey, man.” You’re like… Just blew me off. And I go, “Sorry, I… We… I did a 30-minute session
with you.” And he goes, “Dude,
I see 50 people a day. Like…” I go, “Oh,
you see 50 stars a day?” And he goes…
And I go, “By the way, “you were rubbing your dick
against me the whole time. Does that ring a bell?” And he goes, “In fairness,
I rub my dick against everybody. I’m a dolphin. I’m super horny.” And I felt like I was
in some Finding Neverland thing. -All right. Yes. -May I…
may I jump in on that or no? -Jump in.
-I don’t know if that story comes in either short
or interesting, but… -(laughter and applause)
-You know… Lights Out. -Lights Out.
-Listen… Hold on, hold on. -I don’t know if I come in
short or… -So, you rode… You rode a dolphin, correct? -I rode… I played with
a dolphin, yes. -ATTELL: Okay. -Let’s not break down how…
the bad story. -ATTELL: Okay. Did you get on top like a whore
or underneath like a lady? ’Cause that’s how I did it. I let that dolphin ride me. I’m mad at you now.

100 thoughts on “Celebrity Breakups and Dolphins Getting High (feat. Isla Fisher) – Lights Out with David Spade

  1. Damnit spade, I wasn't even tempted to click on this trash but Isla Fisher thumbnail!? You got me this time you dirty dog.

  2. Further proof that women aren’t funny. It’s impossible for a woman to make a comedic attempt without talking about her reproductive anatomy.

  3. I watched this whole stupid thing in hopes that this chick would show them lovely Hooters as she did in wedding crashers.. ☹

  4. Isla Fisher is incredible. Brains, beauty, and an incredible sense of humor. I often think she steals the show in a lot of her movies.

  5. What's with the godamn empty Dixie cup David? Stop that shit or put some absinthe in it, fuck, it's a terrible prop and comes across as fake as every democrat in office. That being said, love the show, get more brutal, offensive, and deplorable…fuck what Hollywood has done to comedy, funny is funny.

  6. Dave Atell: "Does that story come in either short or interesting?"
    Man, you should know well by now that any of David's previous encounters has come in sh- , well, you know the rest.

  7. Jamie foxx has a BF, Holmes was a PR relationship for hire. Not even hating, love that guy to death. But he can't come out because as PC as Hollywood is, they would never let him be a leading man in a blockbuster again. It would change his 'image'

  8. The format of 2 comedians making fun of each other, and a funny star piling on (whole Spade laughs in excitement that it’s not directed at him) works every time!

  9. Awww! David Spade, aka, Griffin, played with Dolphins! I find Dolphins fascinating! Griffin, I bet you didn't know, but, Killer Whales aren't Whales at all. They're actually in The Dolphin Family!

  10. I cared about Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes relationship like I cared about the new Harley Davidson perfume. Who gives a fuck. Glad you covered it though to reaffirm that they were both a joke. Isla Fisher is talented and a babe. Good show

  11. fitzsimmons…the kathy griffin of no talent shoved down your throat. hack. 🙄🤦‍♂️🥴

  12. I always end up clicking whenever I see this fine piece of woman. It then takes me 15 seconds to figure out if it's Isla or Amy Adam's, but in the end it doesn't matter because they're both f.a.f

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