*Intro song* -We really appreciate your Confinement Series Lord Bung : Viewers *Quiet Eerie Music* *Soft Ambient Music* *Louder Ambient Music* Guy (Offscreen): Day 72; Another sleepless night fades in the static purgatory… Guy: Haunted by the presence of a faceless bloodthirsty army. Guy: Rations are dwindling. Guy: Meanwhile, the unrelenting barbarian tribes from the checkout regions are showing no signs of surrender. Guy: I feel… crushingly smaller each day looking into the ceaseless horizon of cubicles. Guy: Mourning for the souls lost in this endless hellscape. *Orchestra* Guy: My mind is at ease, however, for I have proven myself invaluable to my tribe. Guy: I will fight for the ones I love. Guy: For her. Guy: Because I know that is what makes me a hero. Guy: But above all else, I am burdened with the knowledge that there is nothing in this world more dangerous and destructive… Guy: than the monsters in this endless Swedish nightmare. *Humming of fluorescent lights* Connor: Oof… Connor: That’s a splinter. (quiet rapid footsteps) *More humming* ???: The store is now closed; PLEASE exit the building. (footsteps) (stab) (thumping and zipping) Australian Guy: He’s alive! (stuttering) Australian Guy: Quick! Get the man something to drink! Blue Hood Guy: Is he from the outside? Green-Haired Girl: I hope he’s okay. (footsteps) Swedish Midget: Reckon by, what do they call you? Connor: I… uh… Connor: This question should be really easy. Green-Haired Girl: Might have something to do with that awful spike in your noggin. Connor: Are you guys like… road warriors? Connor: Can you tell me what’s going on? Connor: I can’t remember anything that’s happened and I’m kind of pissed off that I remember Mad Max more than my own– Guy: What are you doing? We’re supposed to be looking for vending machines not more mouths to feed. Guy: We’re hunter-gatherers! Australian Guy: What’s the point of hunting if we can’t even fight off the bigger tribes!? Australian Guy: If we patch this guy up, maybe he’ll help us out. Guy: The point is we can’t keep getting distracted every time we see other lost schmuck trapped in the aisles! Blue-Hooded Guy: It’s better distraction than your stupid journal. Guy: Hey, documenting is crucial, it’s how we remember society! Guy: Have you already forgotten what convicts looked like? Cause’ this guy hasn’t even ditched his prison garbs! Blue Hood Guy: Oh, come on! Green-haired girl: Like we’re ALL saints in the land beyond the parking lot! Swedish Midget: Remember what the elder said! Swedish Midget: “Second hand, second chance!” (clap) Guy: Hah! Guy: Is that a jok– Swedish Midget: You are starting to sound like the greedy tribes from the self-serve area! Australian Guy: Whoa, mate! You still with us? Australian Guy: We’ve got to get them out of here! Green-haired girl: I’ll grab his legs! (metallic screech) (exchanging screams) Connor: Where am I!? Are we in a womb? ???: “Are we in a womb?” Ya absolute basket case! ???: I’m afraid you’re still in The Infinite IKEA, son. Connor: What’s an “Infinite IKEA?” ???: What’s an IKEA? It’s a magic place IKEA is. ???: A benevolent realm of lamps and leather! ???: A wondrous dimension of decor and deck chairs as far as your wallet can take ya! ???: With cushions so soft, it’s like drowning in the tits of an angel! Connor: Wooooooooowww ???: But this one, this one’s quite sh*t ???: Something’s off about this one. Connor: Do all IKEAs have those faceless people? ???: I can’t tell ya, but as I always say… ???: “Never trust a man without facial features.” Elder: My name’s “Elder Freestanding Bathroom Cabinet” by the way, head of this tribe! Elder: And if you’d like to stay here, I’m gonna need you to protect your fellow survivor. Elder: You think you can handle that? (Connor Stuttering) Connor: Sure, yeah. Elder: ..Are you sure? Connor decidedly: Yes! Elder: That was easy. I hereby induct you into the canopy tribe! Elder: Your clan name is “Thorn” on account of that shard of wood stuck in your head. Elder: Talk to you later. Supper’s in an hour! *Music & Chatter* Lady: “Thorn”, huh? Not bad. Lady: At least it’s not “Stethoscope.” “Thorn”: Ew… can’t imagine having it. “Stethoscope”: That’s my name. Connor: Oh. (Yikes…) “Steth”: But please call me “Steth.” Connor: Where you found with a stethoscope stuck in your head? (chuckles) Steth: No, I’m just the closest thing to a doctor in this tribe. Steth: So, like a dentist, a nurse? Steth: Livestock vet. Connor: Right, well, thanks for dealing with my head splinter. No problem. I’m happy to check up on your wood anytime 😉 Connor: … Blue Hood Guy: Hey, he’s awake! Girl: Sorry to hear about your memory loss. Connor: Eh, I’ll forget about it. Australian Guy: (Laughter) Australian Guy: Ya cheeky fuckah! Australian Guy: We haven’t been formally introduced! Tall Boy: I’m “Tall Boy!” Tall Boy: This is “Hutch”… Hutch: Good morning! Tall Boy: This is Hope. Hope: How do you do? Tall Boy: And over there is “Ottoman
Davenport Allen Keys”! Guy: Can you quiet down? I’m trying to scribe over here! Tall Boy: And that’s “Stanley.” Don’t mind him. He’s a bit of a twat. Steth: I don’t even know WHY he’s called “Stanley.” Hutch: “Stanley” isn’t really a furniture name anyway.
Now “High Pedestal,” however… Thorn: Was that joke a chair cuz
you’ve been sitting on that one! Tall Boy: (Laughter) *Lively music* (Everyone’s literally just saying “Mumbling.”) Elder: Fellow IKEAns! Elder: I am proud to announce that I have found some LEGO! Tall Boy: That’s what I’m talking about!
(All cheering) Elder: Not sure how it got in here. Elder: Also, I am proud to draw unneeded attention to the latest addition of our tribe! Elder: “Thorn!” Elder: “The Impaled!” (Generally positive cheering) Crowd :(chants poorly) Tall Boy: So, Thorn, you must be a pretty rowdy fellow to survive getting stabbed in the head right? Connor: I guess so. I’ve still got no feeling in my left nu– Tall Boy: This is gonna sound forward but… Tall Boy: Can we spar? (Gasp!) Connor: But– but you’re so big! Tall Boy: I’ll go easy on ya. Connor: Good… it’s my… first time. *Whoosh* *Thumping* Tall Boy: Try to disarm me! Tall Boy: You were thinking too long! *Grabs spear and moves leg* (Deep ambient tone) *Grunting & smacking noise* Tall Boy: Teamwork! (Generally positive cheering) Connor: Owie… (Intense battle music) *Stabbing sound* Pillow Assassin: You’ve only prolonged this inevitable pillow fight! Pillow Assassin: RETREEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaat! PillowAssassin: That’s right we landed on some pillows! That’s our thing! Elder: You’ve done saved me life, Thorn! ( C R E A K ) Connor whispering: Did I do that? Hutch: How did he do it? Hutch: That’s crazy! Stanley: Day… 73. Stanley: Another sleepless night lurks over this hostile territory anguished by the presence of a new face! Stanley: Rations are dwindling. Meanwhile, the power-mad nobody from the Land Beyond the Parking Lot is showing no signs of surrender. Stanley: I feel crushingly small each day looking into the ocean of praise he receives from these victims. Stanley: I mourn for these lost souls in this endless hell-scape. Stanley: My mind is in darkness, for I have proven myself invaluable to my tribe. Stanley: Yet, no matter how many times I fight for the ones I love, they can’t see that I am the hero! Stanley: This cannot be my burden. Stanley: This damn.. F*CKING SH*T MOTHERF*CKER -F*CKING- Monster! Stanley: I was nobody in the Land Beyond the Parking Lot. Stanley: Just please… let me have this… *Music + Credits!* Edits made by: Dylan Zitz, ghostprojection, and many others. 🙂