♪ Do you wanna dance and hold my hand Tell me, baby, that you understand, oh baby – You’ve not proposed before, have you? – Is it too soon? It is too soon. Yep. It probably… Ignore me. I’ve had a lot of coffee. – And now you’re literally taking your proposal back? – Got me divorce papers through this morning. – John! – Most people just say “Good morning,” John. – As long as she gives me my signed football
back, I’m happy. – Oh, I’m sure she will. So, you’re a single man now? – Yeah! – Gosh! You can party, date and… travel the world. – Grow my hair a bit. – And that. – Have a divorce party. – Ooh, that’s classy. – Thank you! – Goodbye, John! – What’re you doin’? Are you two doing stuff? – Hey! You made it. – Of course we did. We needed the alcohol. – Well, I’m just glad you didn’t feel intimidated. – Happy divorce. – Thank you very much, Olivia. I am heartbroken,
you know? – Hang on in there. – Thank you, Alex. Just BTW, I can see right through that top. Oh, oh! Mojitos are up! Come on! Mojitos! Mojitos! Come on! – Aha! Where’s Olivia? – Ah! I’ve been left behind. – You OK? – “I make so many beginnings, there will never
be an end.” – Not quite following. – Mmm. “Little Women.” You should read it, John. In the meantime… do you fancy forgetting
who the fuck we are for a bit? – Oh! Most definitely. – Fantastic! – Good morning, Alex. Do you wanna go again? – Oh my God. – Snap. I’m pregnant. – No, I am. I am pregnant. What? – I don’t understand what happened. – Oh, poor you. You’re all confused. Meanwhile, you have just put my entire life
into a salad spinner of fuck! – I was so drunk. And you went behind my back and that really hurt. – So you thought you’d sleep with the man
you nicknamed scrotum pole? – Oh, yes! Olivia! Look! She gave me my ball back. – That’s fantastic! I’m so happy for you. Let’s have a look. – OK. Can I have my ball back now? ♪ Head up in the clouds
Nothing in this life is ever bringing me down ♪ She said, “Oh, don’t you, ever ever ever
run from my love” but you still ♪ run, run, run, run, run, run
run, run, run, run, run, run – Whoa! That is so not cool!
♪ run, run, run, run, run, run ♪ Oh, papa, run
Woah, papa, run – Hey, John. – Oh, hey! I’m so glad you’re talking
to me again. Listen- – Who’s the daddy? – You what? – Who’s the daddy? – Huh? – Who. Is. The. Daddy? – I am the daddy. – Yes, you are. – Excuse me? – She’s pregnant. You’re going to be a daddy. – And we’re gonna need shitloads of money. – Well, I did it. – Yes, you did. Why can we never do that? [Doorbell] [Knocking] – I thought you meant sexually. – No, she didn’t. That was our joke. – You did not mean sexually? I had sex with that. And now there’s a baby gonna be coming out
of that. – Yes, thank you for the biology lecture. Come in before you throw up on that. Look, mate… I don’t expect anything. Maybe money. You work in banking, right? – No, not anymore. No. I own and run a site called Mannism. It’s um… Here. It’s a… a place where alpha males can connect and… share the message of the ancient Greek word “Arete”. “Be the best you can be.” – So money’s out then. – Well… you keep doing that because I am perfectly cool raising this baby
with Olivia. – I’m also having a baby. – Bollocks. – Actually, it’s certain. – No, not that. Congrats, whatever. Bollocks to me not playing a part. I am the father! That little one needs a dad. Please. Please let me be the dad. Plus, I live right next door. I have a complex vocabulary. You can’t drive. I can drive you! If you want. – Get him out of this house now! – I’ve heard enough. He knows now. – Yes. – Off you go, John. – I cannot believe that is the man who… – Turned your girlfriend straight? – Oh my God! – That’s what she said. Sorry, that was right there. I am so incredibly sorry for the pain that
I have caused you. If I could go back in time and change what
happened, I would. But… I’m a great guy. Let me take you out to lunch, clear the air,
get to know me better. Yeah? I want to be a part of this. This is… kind of all I’ve got. – Aside from Mannism? – Hail to the Alpha. Give me a chance. Go on. Give me a chance. – Got it. Thank you. Bye! Hello! – Hello there! I’m really pleased we got to do this. – I’m pleased we could do this, too. – Yeah. – I appreciated your apology. – Well, I appreciate you saying that. – Great! I am starving. – Sandwiches. – Oh. Is it Stilton? – Yeah. – I don’t think I can have it.
Alex was just going on about this yesterday. – What, ’cause of the… – Yeah. – Ah. I’m so sorry. – That’s OK. I can still have the bread, though.
I’ll just take this. Yes, um… Alex has become quite the pregnancy major. – That girl’s hilarious. She’s never serious. – She can be quite serious, though. – No. I think even when she’s serious, it’s a little
un-serious. – Well, maybe you don’t take what she’s saying seriously. – I’m pretty certain she’s just being fun
and not serious. – Well, she does laugh a lot. – Yeah. Like a little squeaky mouse. – No, it’s quite a big laugh actually, I’d say. – Big for her, but I think pretty small, generally. – I’d say if it’s big for her, it’s big for anyone. – Really? – Yeah. – I think, it’s more like… [laughs] …it’s like a little. – You obviously haven’t been making her laugh
a lot. It’s nothing like that. – No, I hear it quite a lot. [laughs]
– No. It’s more of a… – [laughs]
– It’s, uh, it’s lower. – No. – Guttural, sort of… [laughs] That sort of… – No, it’s… [laughs] – It’s not like that. – [laughs]
-[laughs] – It’s like that. – [laughs]
– [laughs] – [laughs]
– [grunting] – [grunting] No, I’m thinking of something else. – Some of you will be sitting here doubting
whether hypnobirthing works at all. Well… It does. It does. Let’s start with the introductions: Alex.
This is Alex. – Hi. – And this is Alex’s female life partner, Olivia. – Huh! – I just am so happy and humbled
to have you in my group, guys. – Oh! Thank you. – All right, and this is Mike and Maya, Morgan and
Amanda, and Allison… and… Dave.
– Dave. – I know that. I know that. Right. Let’s talk about pain. “Pain.” What is “pain”? It’s a rhetorical question. Pain is being judged by the colour of your
skin; pain is not being allowed to have a relationship with someone because they are
the wrong gender. Am I right? You go, girl. Pain is being fisted by a 300-pound rich white guy because you haven’t got enough money to pay the rent. What pain is not… is labour. – Sweet. – Right. – Wait.
– OK. Excuse me. Can I be of some assistance to you? – Don’t start without me. – What are you doing here? – I have every right to be here, Olivia. I’m the father of Alex’s baby. I should be
part of the process. – You looked at my planner. – OK, OK, guys. Have you never seen a polyamorous relationship before? – No! – Yeah, well simmer down. Welcome, John. You are welcome, one and all.
– Yeah, sorry. Amy, can I just say that we’re not wha…
what you just said we are. But John is the real father and he’s very
much welcome. – Thank you, Alex. – Is he your sperm donor, too? – Allison, that is enough judgment. They’re lesbians. They don’t wanna talk about sperm. – Right-o! Sorry. – I’d like you to take your partner’s hand,
and put it on the baby’s head. Now, if you’re seven months or under, that’s
gonna be up here, under your breastal balcony. And if you’re further along, it might be down
in your minge. – Right. I don’t… Well, what am I supposed to do?
I don’t have a partner. – Oh, I want a part of this. I’ll be your partner. – Well, she’s my partner, so… – I’d like to be your partner. Where are you?
You up or down? – I’m up. – Right. And if you put your hand on my hand… – OK. – Feeling that lovely little bonce there. That feels nice, right? – Yup. – Loving that. – Olivia, wait! – Nice breathing today, Alex. – Yeah. Cheers, John. – You’re looking great, too. Body’s really acknowledging the pregnancy.
It’s beautiful. – Olivia, wait! Look, he’s harmless. Like you said, he has a right. – I was wrong. He deserves no rights. He deserves impotency. – You have my word. This is as close as John will get. – John? Not Skeletor Mr String Theory Fuckface Leaning
Tower of Piss? No? Or The Man Evolution Forgot? – Just John. – Just John? OK. Got it. Just so I know, thanks. – I’ve missed this. Just hanging out with someone. – What? Your wife? I thought you hated her guts. – Actually, she hated mine. – Oh! Sorry. – Yeah. I guess I just had to make a decision between
being a pioneer and a husband. I’m sure Steve Jobs had the same problem. Or maybe I wasn’t the perfect husband. – And what’s the perfect husband? – Uh, not a total dick? – That’s better. – “Be worthy, love, and love will come.” – Wait. Are you quoting my favourite book? – “Little Women.” Yeah, you were absolutely right. I read it cover to cover and I cried! – Good! And who am I? Jo? – You can be whoever you wanna be. – You are lovely underneath it all. – You’re lovely everywhere. – Huh? – So, how’re you feeling, anyway? – The bump gets in the way of everything.
Even shaving my legs. Uh, I need to pee. But it’s a phantom pee. I go to pee. No pee comes out.
You know, like when you’re on drugs. – What about the constipation? – You what? – Haven’t you got nuts bowels? I have. – I hate to break it to you, John, but you’re
not pregnant. – I have Couvade syndrome. Sympathy pains for the partner. – Of course you have, darling. – I do! – Yeah, right. John was just going. – Was he brushing your hair? – It’s getting so thick and I just needed
someone to brush it out for me. – Mine’s not getting any thicker. – The ones on your chin are. Boom! I’m sorry. Sorry! I’m constipated. – The baby kicked. – Aw. – Felt like wind. – Perhaps it was wind. – It’s entirely possible. We’re going out. – Do you want me to go? – No, finish your food. That was nice. Aw! Bugger me! These boobs, man. They’re so big and tender. – We ready? – Yeah. – What’s wrong? – Boobs. They kill. – Aw. Poor darling. – Oh! -Yeah?
– That’s nice. – Yeah?
– Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Mmm. Oh, that’s better. Bye, John. – So, you’re in your safe space and you can
feel the warm water lapping against your ankles. – Alex! I need to show you something. – What? – My… my penis. – Yeah, I’m set. Thanks. – No, wait. Look, look, please, it’ll take two minutes. – Your membranes give way.
You’re dealing with the… Hi, guys! Hello. How’re you? All right? Hi, Olivia. Yeah, you’re a tiny bit late, Allison. – I’m really worried. Be a friend. C’mon! I did my 96er on you. – I don’t wanna remember anything, OK? – All my best moves wasted on a lezza. – All right, two minutes. Go on. – You feel your vagina give way. You can feel that baby weighing down on your perineum. And the urge to shit it out is now overwhelming you. – It’s orange. – Am I gonna die? – So, we’re gonna do some exercises now to stretch
the internal abdominal muscles. But it’s quite absorbing.
I don’t really want to be interrupted. Do you know where your “people” are? – Oh, yes, yes. Sorry. I’ll, I’ll… check. – Leave that there. – And how does that feel? Does it feel good? Oh, it’s definitely swollen. – Oh, it’s definitely swollen. – Oh! – Oh, God! No, no, no, no. – Oh. – No, it’s John’s john. Just look at it, babe. – What? – Can… can cancer be orange? – Oh! Oh… Is that fake tan? – Sorry to interrupt. I’ve gotta say, you guys, I am starting to
wonder whether this… arrangement situation… life choice thing is altogether healthy. – Amy… so sorry. Please ignore us. I promise you. We are all perfectly normal and healthy. Is it bleeding? Am I bleeding? – You are. Take that and get out. Please. Yeah, all of you. Thanks. – Olivia. – Yes? – I’ll make this up to you. I promise. – Just don’t masturbate in our house again. That’s all I ask. – Yep. I most definitely probably won’t. – Ta da! I brought you a yoga teacher. – Just for an hour. – Once a week. – Maybe. – Cheers, John. ♪ Oh, one more drink and then I’ll go But there’s one more thing I’ve got to know Does he take you places that I don’t?
And what happened to the story that we wrote? ♪ You just say you don’t know, you don’t know You just say you don’t know, you don’t know What it feels like what it feels like ♪ And so I’ll go before I fall to pieces Yes, I’ll go before I fall to pieces Now I’m just waiting for something that might
never come If it’s a million to one shot, I’ll make sure
I’m the one ♪ Seems that nothing is certain – Alex!
♪ except the truth turns to lies ♪ Never figured it out; I found out why – Cheers, John. ♪ So I’ll go, yes, I’ll go Aw, baby, I’ll go, oh, yes, I’ll go yes, I’ll go, yes, I’ll go Before I fall to pieces
Before I fall to pieces Yes, I’ll go before I fall to pieces
Yes, I’ll go before I fall to pieces ♪ Oh – It was Alex’s idea. Get mad at her. She wants you to spend more time with her bestie. – She did not call you her bestie. – Isn’t pregnancy making her nicer? – Did you call John your “bestie”? – Huh? I can’t hear you. Talk to John. I do hope Olivia and he’ll get on today. He’s a sweet guy underneath. – Underneath what? His trousers? – Michael, really! – No. That’s cool. It is kinda confusing. – Oh, is it? So… you’re confused? – No, I mean, to the outside. Someone said that sexual orientation goes
beyond the act of sex and… well, I think that makes sense for what happened with me and John. – So you’re… you’re really straight underneath. – No, I’m gay. I just did something that wasn’t necessarily
about my sexuality. – Do you mind if I use that excuse sometime,
love? – So, did we bond? You’re not going to go that angry puce shade
whenever I’m needed? – Aw, says the man with the tango penis. You’ve done enough, thanks. – What do you mean? – Maybe you need to give Alex some space. – Is that what Alex wants? – Yeah. I think she’s being kind because she thinks
you’re lonely. – She said that? – Yeah. – Why am I asking you, I’ll ask her. Hey, Al! – Oh, no! – What was that for? – It was an accident. Oh, no! – God, poor chap. He’s soaked! – Does that turn you on?