Finally, We Get The Scoop On Elizabeth Warren’s Skincare Routine

Finally, We Get The Scoop On Elizabeth Warren’s Skincare Routine


>>Stephen: WITH THE IOWA CAUCUS
LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY, CANDIDATES ARE MAKING A BIG PUSH
TO GET VOTERS’ ATTENTION, INCLUDING MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR
AND TOURIST GOING IN FOR A CLOSER LOOK AT MICHELANGELO’S
“DAVID,” ELIZABETH WARREN. WARREN HAS A NEW INTERVIEW WITH
“ELLE” MAGAZINE, WHERE SHE COVERED TOPICS FROM POLICY TO
RELATIONSHIPS OR, AS SHE PLUGGED IT IN A TWEET, “YOU DESERVE
BETTER. DUMP THE GUY WHO GHOSTED YOU,
CONVINCE THE ROOMMATE TO LET YOU ADOPT A DOG, AND I’LL TAKE
CARE OF CANCELING YOUR STUDENT LOAN DEBT!”
WELL, FIRST OFF, FIRST OFF, SENATOR, THAT SOUNDS LOVELY, BUT
“DUMP THE GUY WHO GHOSTED YOU”? “GHOSTED” MEANS THEY’RE ALREADY
GONE! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT
AS SOON AS THEY ASK “THE LATE SHOW” INTERNS TO EXPLAIN IT TO
THEM. THAT’S UNIVERSAL.( APPLAUSE )
GHOSTED. WARREN ALSO DID AN INTERVIEW
WITH “COSMO,” WHERE SHE DISHED ON HER SKINCARE ROUTINE.>>YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING. WHAT IS YOUR SKINCARE ROUTINE?>>SO I HAVE– HAD, SHE’S PASSED
NOW– BUT A MUCH OLDER COUSIN NAMED TOOTSIE. AND YEARS AGO, I WAS, I GUESS
PROBABLY SOMEWHERE IN MY 20s, AND WE’RE AT A BIG FAMILY
REUNION. AND TOOTSIE WAS BEAUTIFUL. AND I LOOKED OVER AT HER, AND I
SAID, “TOOTS, HOW DO YOU HAVE SUCH GORGEOUS SKIN?”
>>Stephen: I’M GOING TO INTERRUPT REAL QUICK HERE TO
POINT OUT ONLY ELIZABETH WARREN COULD SAY THE SENTENCE, “TOOTS,
HOW DO YOU HAVE SUCH GORGEOUS SKIN” AND HAVE IT NOT BE CREEPY? SOMEWHERE OUT THERE
( APPLAUSE )
SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, JOE BIDEN
IS LIKE, “OH, BUT I CAN’T SNIFF ONE NECK? COME ON! COME ON, TOOTS! I KNOW TOOTS! TOOTS AND CORN POP.” ANYWAY. WHAT DID TOOTS SAY?>>SHE SAID, “POND’S MOISTURIZER
EVERY MORNING, EVERY NIGHT, AND NEVER WASH YOUR FACE.” SO FROM TOOTSIE TO ME TO YOU. I NEVER WASH MY FACE.>>Stephen: I HATE TO BREAK IT
TO YOU, SENATOR WARREN, BUT I THINK TOOTS WAS MESSING WITH
YOU.( AS OLD WOMAN )
“HEH, WATCH THIS. HEY, LIZ! HEY, LIZ! USE PONDS CONSTANTLY, NEVER WASH
YOUR FACE, AND DID YOU KNOW WE’RE HALF NATIVE AMERICAN? TELL EVERYONE! THAT’S A WRAP ON TOOTS! TOOTS IS OUT!”
( APPLAUSE )
“NEVER WASH! NEVER WASH!”
“JUST DON’T BATHE!”( LAUGHTER )
I NEVER MET HER. I NEVER MET HER, AND I LOVE
TOOTS.( LAUGHTER )
WARREN HAS ALSO BEEN COURTING FORMER CANDIDATES. ACCORDING TO THE “POST,” WARREN
HAD JUST FINISHED HIKING ON WASHINGTON’S NORTH CASCADES
MOUNTAINS WHEN SHE DROPPED IN FOR LUNCH WITH JAY INSLEE, WHOSE
ENDORSEMENT SHE WAS SEEKING. OH, SHE JUST HAPPENED TO BE
HIKING NEAR JAY INSLEE’S HOUSE? WHAT’S NEXT? SHE JUST HAPPENS TO BE ON THE
SAME HALF-PIPE AS BETO O’ROURKE?( AS WARREN )
“WHAT A COINCIDENCE! YOU THRASH HERE, TOO?”
( LAUGHTER )

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *