How to Work With Your Partner’s Love Style

How to Work With Your Partner’s Love Style


In the past we released a video on how your childhood affects your love style. Now that you’ve identified what your core patterns are, we figured it would be helpful to offer insights on how to work with each love style. Whether your partner is prone to being a distant avoider or an anxious vacillator, know that working out your differences will only strengthen your relationship in the end. Here are five tips on how to work with your partner’s love style. One: the pleaser Charming, nice and known as the stereotypical good students, these type of people actually grew up walking on eggshells. Their parents were most likely either overly critical, overly protective or both. As a result, they have a hard time setting boundaries, saying no and do their best to maintain peace even at their own expense. In relationships they don’t deal with conflict well and may try to avoid it altogether by resorting to bad habits such as lying. To resolve issues with the pleaser show them that it’s normal for things to get messy. But instead of getting mad at them let them know that you want their honest input not something sugar-coated. Two: the victim Victims grew up in a violent, abusive environment. Consequently, they do not like to attract much attention to themselves and prefer to blend in the background. Often compliant and adaptable, it can be hard to tell whether a victim is suffering or not. Common problems they face are putting up with toxic behaviour and choosing a partner who repeats the abusive behavior they’ve been accustomed to. In order to work with a victim provide the encouragement they lacked growing up and set healthy, consistent habits to let them know they are safe with you. Three: the controller Bossy, intimidating and quick to anger, these type of people adopted a black and white mentality at a young age. Either you are controlled or do the controlling. In relationships partners may find them rigid and selfish with their expectations and threatening during breaking points. Inside though they’re definitely hurting. When working with a controller don’t give them the upper hand nor excuse their toxic behavior. Instead, meet in the middle. Let them know that you aren’t the main source of their pain, but rather it’s the unresolved childhood memory they need to address. Four: the vacillator Vacillators grew up in an unpredictable household. Fearing abandonment and yearning for stability, these individuals have felt misunderstood their whole lives. Still, they managed to remain idealistic searching for their soulmate. They have to be careful however, with their starry-eyed nature. Prone to venting, anger and guilt, vacillators will often be paralyzed by the problems they face. They may expect their partners to come up with solutions instead of standing on their own two feet. To work with a vacillators, provide emotional support and listen to their frustrations. Ask them questions and help them reflect on potential solutions, but don’t do the work for them. Over time this will help them realize they are capable of more than they usually think. Five: the avoider Known to be self-sufficient, these types of people value their space and freedom above everyone. Since they come from a background where little to no support was offered they learn to mature fast and take care of themselves. In relationships common problems avoiders face include being dismissive of their partner’s feelings, having difficulty providing empathy and creating too many boundaries to the point of being unreachable. To work with an avoider never try to force ideas onto them or throw temper tantrums. This will only cause them to retreat or shut down even more. Avoiders can get easily overwhelmed if you’re being too emotional or defensive. Give them time to cool off and attempt to problem-solve with them when the both of you are clear minded. Is your love style compatible with your partner’s? What are some challenges you’re facing? Let us know in the comments section below. For more helpful content, please be sure to also subscribe to our channel. Thanks for watching! Hey guys, my name is Yumi and I am one of the partners of psych2go. Today I’m not only here to introduce myself but to also introduce you guys to our amazing psych2go magazines. Don’t they look wonderful? These magazines were all created by our amazing and talented magazine manager Imogen. She put all her time and hard work just to create this for you guys. So everyone can have a little piece of psych2go wherever you guys are. So we are gonna do a little giveaway right now. So we’re gonna pick three winners. There’s no deadline to this at all. And all you gotta do is three little things, okay? Number one is to follow and subscribe to our YouTube channel if you haven’t done so already. Number two is either take a picture of, you know, this picture right here, a screenshot or any picture of psych2go and#psych2go on your social media, Instagram, Facebook, tumblr, whatever it is. And number three: we’re gonna have a link down below of a really short questionnaire for us to connect with you and get to know you guys a little bit more. Okay, but that’s about it. We want to thank you for all your support through our amazing amazing psychology company, and we wouldn’t be here without you guys. So, thank you and thanks for tuning in. Bye!

100 thoughts on “How to Work With Your Partner’s Love Style

  1. Im the 6° type:self-suficient
    Want a girlfirend to avoid "prejudice" from the people who i Will meet when i get old enought to work but doesnt want a girl at all

  2. I feel I’m a pleaser. And my girlfriend is an avoider. It’s hard giving her space when she needs it but it’s definitely something I can start doing more.

  3. I'm a pleaser but my parents went over protective or over critical I have three brothers I'm the only one that's a pleaser, why?

  4. I thought it said your ‘parent’s love style’ and I was like ‘oh shit this gon’ help me’ but it was ‘partner’s love style’ and I got sad:(

  5. note how they never give a healthy option. my home life is stable, nurturing and loving. i know what's a healthy relationship and what isn't, yet i don't seem to be any of these types??

  6. I'm definitely a clustered mix of pleaser, victim, and vacillator. To put it simply, I'm kind of an emotional wreck because of how I grew up and my partner is an Avoider mixed with a Pleaser. Generally she'll want to try to have me take the lead with moth things, but will shut herself off from everything when things get to be too much. Been trying to adapt to her for a year and a half now, and I think this video really helped (or hopefully will as I literally watched it all of five seconds ago). When she's upset she'll try to close herself off from the world, including me, but that makes me get anxious, worried, and insanely clingy. It's bad of me, but this video definitely helped open my eyes with how I should just… let her be. Be less clingy. Meditate to calm myself down. Hopefully this works.

  7. My partner is a mix between a victim and a vacillator while I'm more of a pleaser as I tend to lie to keep the peace we both have a very hard time telling each other what's wrong but these might help

  8. I’m definitely a pleaser type but I kinda feel like I understand myself better than I thought because what I’m looking for in a partner is exactly the kind of personality the video recommended

    I know better than to trust one source for anything but it always feels good and uplifting when you’re already doing/looking for the stuff an advice video tells you to do

  9. I'm the victim in my relationship, my gf is none of these, she's not easily angered, but if she's angry she'll pinch you sooo….

  10. Yeah, this is just a rough guideline, not an actually factual video. It's impossible to attempt to wrap people into psychological burritos that we can easily identify with a title. But this video does a good job at explaining a SINGLE way to attempt to alleviate the issues they identify within relationships. Regardless, this video really tries too hard to sound factual when it's simply not possible to be concrete on issues like these.

  11. I'm a Pleaser, and my partner too. He is less open about what he is feeling and what affect him… I'm encouraging him to be more open, to speak about those things and being sincere about what is happening.
    I, myself, do those things more than him, but I still want to everything to be good (yes, I sometimes lie to get things right, putting the blame on me)…
    Being a Pleaser is a handful experience, in not a good way… The fact that this is not only (how I act) to my partner, but everyone around me. Plus, I have this huge fear of abandonment, so…

  12. Okay so I think my partner is a mix of a vacillator and avoider. She always vents about her problems and wants me to help but also sometimes won’t tell me why she’s upset, and will be dismissive when I’m upset half the time. And she won’t let me hold her hand even though we’ve been together for almost a month now. I already try to do the things to help both types in the video but it’s very difficult, should I concentrate on the avoider side since that’s the one causing me pain or the vacillator side since that’s the one causing her pain?

  13. Everyone in the video you mentioned needs to never procreate and never ever engage in any kind of relationship. Imagine a controlling father, or a mother who avoids her children or their problems… Jesus Christ- No!!

    It's stupid you keep giving sick people false hopes before trying to fix them first.

    Get it through your heads… Happiness is temporary… It's not supposed to last more than the moment it arrived.

    Life is sadness, stress, anger, misery, fear, disappointment, and constant failure.

    Happy moments squeezed in between, but very little of them…

    You should be happy this is like this… It helps us really appreciate the happy moments when they DO come… Like an emotional lottery…

    The rest of life is dull, maybe pleasant here and there, but in all honesty, it's crap… Metaphorically speaking? I've seen Kings in misery among their wealth, I've seen rich families who force the lie of stability… Only to find out they know nothing of each other, and would rather be elsewhere…

    There is no "happily ever after" there is no "soul mate" and any proof you have of this I can guarantee it's just temporary bullshit…

    Money brings me despair, any kind of Fame would too, relationships are just more discussions… Fights, arguments…

    "Careful you don't become a slave of what you conquer…" A rich man worrying day and night of getting robbed, instead of enjoying his wealth.
    A man or woman searching for the perfect partner, then finding one, and jealously attempt to keep him or her, ironically sabotaging the relationship…

    Lol or if you can't understand the quote… Imagine conquering a city… Now you have to feed everyone you rule over… AND the conquered City too…

    It's not bad to hope… But it's important to be real and honest with ourselves…
    Not lie like this and give hope to a fish that he or she will one day breathe air…

  14. I think its super hard to work with people who dont want to meet you half way or work on themselves. Shutting out all bad influences is not an option. You are going to have to deal with toxic people. The hardest thing for me is how do you do so without having to become secluded or wear a mask constantly? 😕🤔
    I know it simply sounds like "the pleaser" but its really not that simple and its hard interacting with people who have no sense of selfreflection. Alot of people just swallow thier problems and "are the way they are". Its frustrating.

  15. Several months later I found the track. Song is Aeon and On – By Dovetail
    Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g4kfUd5Ecw&feature=youtu.be&autoplay=1

  16. 'How to deal with an avoider:
    You can't, they're fucking impossible human beings.'
    Having dated one, I can confirm this. Why tell me you like me and want to try dating when you're gonna be further out than Pluto?

  17. using the top 2 fitting things in that order… pleasing avoider doesn't fit well w/ a controlling vacillator…
    but god damnit I'm tryin

  18. I misunderstood the video's title for "Parent's" rather than "Partner's", is this a form of advanced click bait? or is it just me.
    Hehe.

  19. Im an avoider and vacilator and shes a pleaser and victim.

    Shes emotional and quick to rant and vent. Im so used to being on my own that i often find this annoying. This isnt fair and one of the things im working on is trying harder to focus on just her and reminding myself that i am not just me anymore, im an us. That just because I love the world i live in. We are sharing a life together now. We just recently moved into together and this is one thing im anxious about. That the constant contact and support she craves is not something i can give easily. I love this girl and will do my best but change is scary.

    Any advice would be great.

    P.S. we talk, alot, im pretty open and have gotten her to be as well. Constantly communitcating is the basis for our relationship but I dont think she understands how much i crave being along sometimes. Wish us luck.

  20. I’m a mix between a controller and an avoider and my ex was a mix between a victim and avoider as well .. yeah I don’t think it was ever gonna work (but at least I tried to understand him and where he came from – thanks to Psych2Go)

  21. Thank you very much for your channel, it has helped me reassure what I've learned about myself through self therapy related to past trama and abuse. It has helped me and my relationship a lot and is helping more everyday. Thank you again and great work making a change in the world

  22. I have a mix of the pleaser, the victim and the vacillator. She is hard to help but I am trying hard. I'm a pleaser, quickly skipping important work because of her emotional issues. I ignored my own issues for others very often. Idk how well this will work

  23. This sounds more like a recipe to become your partners – therapist? I agree that you should show honest interest, express empathy, set boundaries. But it's not your job to implicitly "help" a person who doesn't recognize their underlying issues. Don't forget the mutual nature of relationships. Your partner also needs to grow to love you better – your effort alone won't turn a bad relationship into a good one.

  24. I read how to work with your parents love style.😅😂😂 but that gave me idea. Make a video how to work with all kinds of parents. Anyway this is my first video of you. So maybe you have one already. Idk

  25. Okay this seems a little like bullshit. Sure there are people who fall into these categories, but many people fall outside and in between them.

  26. I am kinda a vacillator. I fear young aged death. So I want to find a love life as fast as possible if that happens.

  27. I'm pleaser, and he's a vacillator. This vid helped me realize I may have be a bit more of a wheelchair than a crutch for him, because of said need to please. Lately, I've been encouraging him to make his own conclusions with what to do with his problems after he vents, and supporting what he decides to do. It's definitely a bit less stress on me, and he seems quite the bit happier with himself! This video was great <3

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