Is My Parent a Narcissist?

100 thoughts on “Is My Parent a Narcissist?

  1. Getting out of the toxic environment is so important. It saved my life. My mother and I moved ten thousand miles away from my father and it’s still hard but it’s manageable now. Stay strong ❤️

  2. Is gaslighting super common? the more I read about it, the more I realize its happened to me, and the more I see it happening to other people. Is this a thing that everybody else observes.

  3. my mother likes to feel validated by all the chores she does everyday, so because of that, when i was a child she did take care of me but not because she was worried, it was to feel validated

    as i grew up and didnt need her anymore for physical help, she stoped talking to me as a normal person, she barely answers when i talk to her and it feels very lonely
    ive become a codependent adult, i think because of it, as i seek her approval everyday knowing that i'll never get it, but it keeps me from moving on with my life and actually doing things for myself
    i dont have money for therapy, so i have to take care of my mental health on my own, i am actually lucky that i am so self aware of what happens in my head (at least that's what i think, right), that way i can spend most of my useless days in my happy place trying to get strong enough to get out of this situation

  4. Both of my parents are narcissists and continue to be so. I have had to drop everything from my past in order to move forward; finding out that they were narcissists and all the ways that they manipulated and abused me is so hard to take in sometimes. Listening to Kati speak about it, I felt my body crunch up against itself; like a child who is sad and huddles into a ball. I did that. Cause it is true. All of it.

    Healing from it is difficult. And it does take some effort and recognition. Sure, I could work on that Master's degree, or getting that pay raise, or attracting that individual in my life… but that trauma will still be there. Facing it and handling it is difficult. But as I read a lot of Heroic Epics from the past and even watching movies with themes surrounding the dark side of oneself (Samurai Jack comes to mind), it leads to a much better, stronger version of self. Life becomes more focus'd, the body and mind has this unity that is unlike anything one has before, and just breathing becomes less of a push against a stuck door and more of a pull of clear, ocean air.

    …Gah, so much healing to be done.

  5. I really need help but can't find any answers. What do you do if a person becomes a narcissist because they where uneducated? They can't see the problem and can't learn to change. I am completely stuck, everyone else thinks it's intentional and refuses to help.

  6. Hi Kati. I really appreciate your videos. They are enlightening and supportive. I'm wondering if you could talk about family estrangement. After working with a therapist with issues relating to emotionally manipulative and abusive parents, I made the decision to both move and end contact with my parents. It's been a positive change, but it has also been accompanied by some unexpected feelings of listlessness and loss. I'm wondering if you have experience helping clients through this change or know of good resources/research that might help.

  7. i'm turning 30 this year and it has taken me so long to accept that my father was and forever will be incapable of showing, even feeling maybe, positive emotions.
    i had my two year old son over the other day and he was playing very loudly with a toy car. so my dad yelled at him "don't make such a noise!" and the little guy was just shook and frightened. i took him in my arms and explained grandpa wasn't mean, that's just his way of communicating but he couldn't understand why he was being yelled at. my dad even scolded me for being too soft – i replied "we have enough crude people in this world already". i still doubt he understood what i was talking about.
    thank you for this video Kati!

  8. I love your shirt. I grew up with a Narcissistic father, everything was about him and he took my mother's attention for himself even up until today. It affected my life and I am trying to heal from this. I want to buy that book the Unavailable Father but its sold out everywhere in Canada!

  9. that unavailable father book, would it still be a worthwhile read if you're a man, considering it says on the front for 'father – daughter' relationships? cheers kati, your videos are some of my favourites on youtube

  10. Can you do a video of being a mother to a child of rape? Someone in my life needs direction… I’ve tried to to take her to therapy but sometimes she doesn’t see how she treats the daughter.

  11. Which book would be best for a male (scapegoat) with a narcissistic father? Is the mentioned book only for father daughter relationship?

  12. I definitely agree on the getting out as soon as you can part! Even though it's hard, because we've been trained to adore and worship them, "honor your mother and father", and it can feel weird to step away from them, they will try to manipulate you and whine at you about how you don't love them, why are you doing this, etc. IT IS OKAY TO NEVER HAVE CONTACT WITH THEM!
    In New Testament of the Bible, it does repeat the commandment to honor your parents, but the VERY NEXT VERSE says, "parents, do not promote your children to wrath", meaning they have a duty to not hurt you too!
    I didn't fully break away from my abusive parent until I was in my 40s. The last thing she said to me was, "until you can THINK LIKE ME, I don't want to hear from you". Well, okay! And although it was hard, I missed her, it was the point where my mental health started to truly improve. I realized she doesn't miss ME, she misses the daughter shaped hole in her life. She doesn't have any idea who I am, what I like, and she really doesn't give a flying eff, she just wants someone who will think she is so great, someone she can dress up like a doll and have everyone think she is the greatest mom, when she really wasn't.


  14. I realized my mom was a narc. It only took me 48 years. I did something that changed my life. I wrote a letter to myself FROM my mom. It aplogized in detail for all she did to me as a child. The grief started immediately and so did the closure and healing. I highly suggest it. Ive also gone grey rock no contact. Its been the best 5 years of my life

  15. Thank you, just thank you. I'm mostly speechless because this is the answer that I've been looking for. I question every day whether my bipolar disorder is actually real or if it is just borderline personality disorder with some c-ptsd mixed in there. I haven't responded very well to medications over the last 5 years and I've noticed that as my own daughter grows up, I am being triggered to remember the experiences I felt at her age. One question though, can a trauma therapist assist me with discovering what actual diagnosis I have or are they there specifically to walk through and effectively desensitize the trauma?

  16. Validation is absolutely crucial, so talking to a therapist who can confirm that you indeed did have a rough time as a kid and that it was not okay, can help a lot.

  17. Thank you for your great videos, you are fantastic! Can you make a video over PTSD Abandonment and the difference with BPD (specially regarding treatment), because i been reading it's not the same, even do they are both diseases or disorders of the amygdala gland brain. I might be suffering from one of this disorders 🙁 . Thank you!!!

  18. Hello. Thanks for all the videos make. I really struggle with boundries. Could you also do a video on how best to have the strength to say NO. Without feeling guilty soo much.

  19. I don't really say these things but I only grew up with one parent, which is my mother. She was kinda always narcissistic 💀 but like.. I have to deal with it

  20. Is non physical abuse such as verbal and emotional abuse from your parents a real thing and what kind of therapist/ counselor/ whatever is best for that

  21. GREAT video, Kati! Thank you! this new viral video about using family toxicity for spiritual growth might be also be helpful.

  22. Can you make a video about how to deal with seeing people from your past in public? I always try to avoid people from my past when I see them in public because seeing them always brings back bad memories. It has even gotten so bad that I get panic attacks when I see people from my past. I’d love to see a video about it. 💞

  23. Both of my parents are narcissists. For my well being I went no contact. There is such a stigma around estrangement. Most people see my parents as the victims because they play that role. Thank you for talking about this! It’s really validating. ❤️

  24. I didnt know there was specific trauma treatment. What is the exact title so i can look for one? My parents were both abusive dad physically and emotionally and mom munchusen by proxy. I ran away when I was 16 and have minimal contact now I am 26 and have fear of intimacy issues and also depression. Thank you for making a video to talk about this is really hard and not many people I know understand how much childhood actually affected me. I like to think one day I can lead a normal life. Hugs to others who were abused as kids too ❤

  25. The worst is when you want to leave but this figure makes you believe that you are not capable of living on your own.

  26. Having watched a lot of videos about narcissism and abuse, I still find myself having trouble understanding what emotional abuse is.

  27. I don’t know what to do to be honest. I am living alone for the most but my family still come to visit me from time to time. They are mostly alright now but I can’t help but feel like the neglected child and basically carry him everywhere

  28. I grew up with a narcissistic father who was also at the same time emotionally mainly absent. The relationship I have with him is so deeply complicated and toxic it would be impossible for me to just write one letter or something. So therapy it is.

  29. Teared up watching this. 23 years old and the things my mom did and said to me still eat me up inside. When I’m in a bad place mentally I hear her voice in my head saying very evil, mean things. But the sad part is they’re all things she has really said in real life that are burned into my memory.

  30. Was my mom.. dad enabler .. nobody helped me or helped make me feel safe. I was gaslit constantly !!! My bro was the golden .. he’s passed. I am so mindful & know how many parts of there are me in there. I never had a voice. Went no contact 4yrs ago for our son.

  31. My dad is a sociopath, and I think I'm emotional affected by it. How could this affect me in the future? What do I do to stop negative things to happen because of the way I may think?

  32. My therapist is struggling to do trauma therapy with me as I have bpd and dissociate in sessions any suggestions.

  33. Can you make a video on selective mutism? I think being gaslighted for most of my life caused me to be selectively mute but I can’t find much research on it!

  34. Looks like I gotta leave my parents. I really think both of them are narcissists, but my mom is WAY more narcissistic than my dad. They are manipulative and have guilt tripped me multiple times. I am also being mentally abused. I can never tell them about me bcos they're never emotionally there and like I've been distant. I hope if I do have children, I don't become a narcissist or anything bad bcos I want my children to have the greatest time of their lives and I want to be a good parent💕

  35. I always enjoy your Welcome wave. Miss it when yah forget. 🙂
    And yeh. I write tons of stuff that I never send. But I keep it.

  36. I’m starting to think if mental illness is even real! All people have it! It’s just one of those turns in life! Am I bargaining or denying?

  37. Thank u so much for these helpful tips I am living with my narcissistic Shit hole of a father and tbh he’s not the father figure I needed in my life I really don’t respect him or appreciate him he’s nothing but a Devil that made us and more people feel miserable I gust hope that all narcissistic people die A painful death

  38. Glad I found you! Thank you for doing this. I've been searching specifically for how a narc effects a baby. My sister, 40, AND stepsister, 41, each had their first baby 3 months apart last year. My narc mom is raising my step sister's baby and I'm so afraid for him. I've been cut off from the family after confronting my mother on her abuse in general. I texted both sisters with no response. The way my mom talked about them and the babies behind their backs is super fucked up and they're convinced I'm making it up. She's already speaking hatefully about one and praising the other and no one is seeing this. Please help with a video on narc effects on babies if you are willing and able. Thank you.

  39. I wish you'd do a show specifically on daughters- of narcissistic mothers.
    Maybe consider? Sure seems to be a lot of us out here. I'm not meaning to discount a man's traumas from a narcissistic parent, just so everyone knows. It's just being a daughter is applicable to ne. I'm not a son.
    Just sayin-

  40. i'd love to write a journal but i know my mum would find it and then guilttrip and blame me.. take things away.

    i just want to get out but i cant, im only 15 and i need them to pay for my gender therapy. as soon as she starts providing the therapy then things will get worse, the guilt tripping, manipulation and threats will get worse.

  41. Idk what this would classify as, or how to get help, but my family doesn't want me around them. It can be something as little as me entering the living room and they'll leave the room as soon as I enter. I used to assume they were in a bad mood, but they can go from happy and acting "normal" and then leaving the room when I enter. I tried talking to my mom and I told her I was going to go to the school counselor but she said I wasn't able to. She has filled me with this, what I've learned was irrational, fear of school counselors because she always would tell me that they would call Child Protective Services(I think that's the name of it). They helped my brother get therapy and medicine for his depression, but when I tried talking to her about how I felt numb all the time, she laughed and made a joke about it. I finally got therapy after she saw my self harm and found a crumpled up suicide note that I meant to throw away.

    Sorry for this long comment, I needed somewhere to vent. Aksi, thanks for your videos Kati, they've been a huge source of help for me in so many ways. I wish you the best, hope you have a good day!

  42. My oldest sister is a Narcissist and she married a Narcissist 🙄. My heart hurts my for 4 nieces. So thanks Kati for these tips I will definitely use them to aid my nieces on becoming better people in this cold world. 🙂

  43. I have so many situations from my childhood, that make me angry looking back on. I remember being in the bathtub and my mother coming and yelling at me and calling me a slut and spitting in my face multiple times. I was 8 years old. I had no idea why i was being called a whore?? When her boyfriend would come over she would call me a slut if i had shorts on, and say i was trying to get his attention. I was a little kid!!! My whole childhood was emotinal and physical abuse from my mother.

  44. Kati, my therapist keeps telling me I should rebuild my relationship with my toxic father who has been emotionally and physically abusive for most of my life. There was a period when I had cut off contact with him completely for over a year, and recently my therapist was really happy that I spoke with him for the first time in a long time. She seems to have a very limited view that Freudian philosophy guarantees that learning to have a healthy relationship with your father will improve romantic relationships, but I think this is backwards thinking if the parent is narcissistic, and my life is better when I don't talk to my father at all. Do you think my therapist asking me to do this is encouraging me to put myself in harm's way? I find it incredibly taxing to be around him even now as an fully independent adult.

  45. Kati, I think it's important to distinguish between different types of narcissism and the parental styles they engender. You mentioned that a narcissist parent might not give "cuddles", however a covert narcissist might show a lot of physical affection just to show they are being a "loving parent". This affection might not necessarily be in response to a need expressed by the child and so just sends more confusing signals.

  46. One of the hard parts is realizing that the narc (my mother) has spread slander and character assignation with her side of the family. It's not fair! She's totally tried to destroy my reputation. My dad's (passive parent) family saw right through it all right from the beginning. They also get worse with age! My mother is 79 now. I have not contact. The nice thing about age is that some other family members start to understand.

  47. i saw a video on re-mothering and my god do i always question whether im right to think negatively of my parents or if im just exaggerating 🙁 i question everything, ive been gaslit so much 😔

  48. My mother is definitely narcissistic I I got into a big fight with her today I was winning the argument so she told me to go to my room used to leave alone as a young child I brought that up oh my gosh she acted like a three year old she even acted like he was playing a violin she has no empathy for me does not care about my feelings I feel like just leaving go live on the street can't afford therapy I thought about saying this stuff like it Thanksgiving when everybody is around do you think it would be a good idea to confront her at Thanksgiving

  49. Something just happened today that’s made me feel like shit, pretty bad. I’m so glad I remembered this video and decided to watch it instead of going out and finding alcohol which I have been staying away from for years. It’s amazing how validated, hopeful, and empowered I feel right now. 10 mins ago I couldn’t think of other options. Thank you so much. (I have a great relationship with a therapist but this was sudden and unexpected)

  50. I have a narcissistic father and was interested in the recommendation for The Unavailable Father, but it appears to be targeted towards women. Are there any good suggestions for men, or is the book less gender focused than the description suggest?

  51. I fucking bawled when I watched this because I relived so much of my trauma that was caused by a toxic mother. it's so hard to heal but I have to know that I'm getting there eventually.

  52. My dad seems to feel the need to always remind me that everything he does is for me. It is usually out of no where and for things that have nothing to do with me. I don’t know why he does it but it often makes me feel guilty

  53. Parent on smart phone neglect

    Parent is supposed to give you emotional support, f#ck no they basically disregard your opinion and they think they know better

    Parent is supposed to care, ha justifying the divorce that hurt you and say its OK to make the mistake that brought you down

    Parent is supposed to guide you, how so, by saying everything that goes against life is just regular life, right

  54. My mother has always resented me for reminding her of my dad who she doesn’t like. They separated when I was a teen and I’ve always maintained a great relationship with him. He was a great guy. He died in June and she threw a party to celebrate him dying while I cried until I was sick at home because it hurt so much. I have two other sisters and mum has always played favourite with my younger sister. Mum just booked a holiday for herself, my step dad, my sister (the favourite) and her husband and didn’t even mention it to me and when I invited myself along it was made very clear that Me and my baby and husband weren’t wanted there. I’m terrified that if I have another child then I will one day realise that I’ve done to my children what she has done to us and I couldn’t hurt my children like that. Phew it’s good to get things off your chest.

  55. I wasn't allowed to cry, frown, laugh, be loud, get angry… Basically, I wasn't allowed to show any emotions.
    One time, I slammed the door too hard, and my mom grabbed me by the hand, put it in the door frame, was like "You want to slam doors? I'll show you how to slam doors!" and slammed it on my fingers. Luckily, they weren't amputated, but I guess they were broken in the process because it hurt like hell and to this day they are crooked and crack whenever I make a fist.
    And that wasn't even the worst thing she did.
    At the same time, she told me how proud she was of me, and that she'd always tell her friends what a smart child I am, and that I should be grateful for her praising me in front of strangers I'll probably never meet. Took me some time to figure out that the sole reason why she did that was to make others aware of her acquaintance with successful people, as I was top of my class and started going to uni at age 13.

  56. I know narcissistic parents. The most unfortunate thing, is that it gets passed down without a child even knowing! And voila, you have a family of elitists. Must be nice

  57. They do give what i want / need sometimes but other times thy could put their needs above me too and be totally not understanding .. is that valid?

  58. My narc loves to torment me by befriending my narc ex wife.
    No matter how much I tell her that this hurts me, she just rolls her ugly eyes and sighs.
    Like my feelings being hurt is so annoying to her..

  59. Hi Kati, please could you advise me on whether you feel psychodynamic psychotherapy will be ideal if I am narcisstic myself and it's causing alot of trouble interpersonally, and have trauma from a narcisstic father.

  60. Watching this during Christmas break while my family gives me the silent treatment bc my mother has manipulated them into being angry with me for raising my voice just a tad while being annoyed at her passive aggresive behaviour.


  61. If you're stuck with a toxic or narcissistic mother during family gatherings or holidays, bring a plus one. Your partner, maybe your best friend. I have the feeling that especially mothers are really keen on keeping the appearance of a kind and loving mother when others are watching.

  62. Kati is correct, but if her suggestions fail than perhaps starting random fires and torturing small animals will help. Sorry, I meant having a sense of humor will help! :).

  63. My parents expect me to own up to everything I do but God forbid they do,when i asked my Mom if she cared whether I cried after a fight she said she didnt care .

    I dont know how to deal with these people anymore.

  64. Kati: “when we grow up with a narcissistic parent what we struggle with most is…”
    Interrupting me: EVERYTHING. Except harsh self criticism.

  65. When I was a toddler, I threw a tantrum and my mom started walking away. I got up and was running to my mom apologizing.

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