Jordan Peterson – Finding a Partner and the Role of Personality

Jordan Peterson – Finding a Partner and the Role of Personality

We’ve got a hypothesis that we’re still working out That’s supported to some degree by the relevant literature So imagine that you’re looking for a stable partner, you might think What do you want in a stable partner and at least in principle? One of the things you don’t want is too much mismatch between you and that person on the five fundamental dimensions So for example if you’re really extroverted and you have a really introverted partner You’re going to engage in continual conflict about how much social activity the two of you should subject yourself to and it’s very very difficult for people who Broadly differ on those dimensions to come to consensus because it’s not just a matter of opinion, right? It’s really a matter of different And if you’re looking [at] extremes of really different types of people and [the] thing about introverts is they just don’t enjoy Large scale social interaction that much, one-on-one they’re often fine But in a group they don’t like that and it tires them out whereas a real extrovert It’s like you isolate them and and they just wither on the vine because a huge part of what actually motivates them in a positive Way is tangled up with social interaction, and so if you’re an agreeable person, and you have a particularly Disagreeable partner you’re also going to run into problems because the agreeable person will say whatever you want whenever and A disagreeable person will say “well I’d like to know what the hell you want for a change” [and] be much more harsh and much more demanding in the situation and the agreeable person is going to find the disagreeable person harsh and unpleasant and the Disagreeable person is going to find the agreeable person Wishy-Washy and unable to stand up for themselves and again that’s actually one of the primary sources of tension between men and women because women tend to be higher in agreeableness than men it’s about half a standard [deviation] which is quite quite quite a quite a large difference by psyChological standards and so What that means, I probably haven’t got the statistic quite right, But [I] think I’ve got it about right what that means fundamentally just so you have some sense of how large An effect that is, is that if you Have a group of men and women and you pick out random pairs the woman is going to be more agreeable than the man [60%] of the time so that’s not an overwhelming Proportion, but it’s reliable and it’s quite It’s quite large by psychological standards, so there’s the problem with agreeableness, with conscientiousness well if you’re conscientious, you’re industrious and orderly and Orderly people seem to be sensitive to disgust which is something we’ll talk about in detail later. We’ve had a hard time specifying exactly What makes industrious people industrious because it’s hard to come up with an animal model for that sort of thing And there’s no theoretical model, but our latest Idea is that, it’s not my idea. It’s actually the idea of my graduate student Christine brophy, is that industrious people find it Unpleasant and unsettling to to not be doing something so it isn’t so much that Industriousness makes them happy or fills them with positive emotion that would be more extraversion right because extraversion is the positive emotion dimension It’s [that] industrious people can’t stand sitting around doing nothing, and you know, this is speculation but you know human beings are obviously always engaged in the exchange of labor especially the reciprocal exchange of [labor] and you can imagine that In a in a community where everyone knows everyone the people who work hard are going to be pretty irritated on a fairly chronic basis with the people who are completely unproductive and My suspicions are that plenty of people who are completely unproductive in the history of the evolution of our species were [wiped] out by [people] who were unhappy with their lack of productivity generally speaking human beings have this sense of ethical obligation with regards to one another to share labor and People who are conscientious really really feel that so they feel bad if they’re not busily working on something That’s productive all the time and so the advantage to being with someone conscientious is well They’re going to work like mad, but the disadvantages is [they’re] they’re going to work like mad so You know if you’re looking for a partner that you want to relax with or have fun with or who isn’t Uptight then a conscientious person is probably not a very good choice. On the other hand if you’re a conscientious person, and you’re living with someone who’s really unconscious That’s good because they might be able to help you relax But you’re not going to be happy with them because they don’t work nearly as hard as you do But even worse on the orderly dimension, you know some of you have had roommates, and maybe you’re more orderly than your roommate What does it mean? Means you’re annoyed by mess before they are and you don’t have to be annoyed by mess much before you’re less orderly roommate for you to be the one that’s always running around picking things up and So actually one of the things that’s emerged from the psychometric analysis Is that women are slightly more orderly than men and I suspect that has something to do with the, What would you call it? inequitable distribution of housework, imagine that Your proclivity is to be triggered by disorder twenty five seconds before your partner’s. It doesn’t take much difference for you to be the one that’s always concerned about the mess first, so anyways And so if you’re a really orderly person, and you live with a disorderly person well good luck getting along with them they’re going to regard you [as] like uptight and and over concerned with details and and And well and unwilling to relax that’s for sure and they’re going to regard you as well Just a bloody mess, and how can anyone possibly live with someone like you and so So another reason why it’s useful to understand your personality is because I think it gives you a better Crack at finding someone that you can actually live with over the long-run and I don’t think you want to live with someone who’s exactly like you because Then both [of] you have the same strengths and weaknesses and there’s a bit of a problem there right because [maybe] an agreeable person can use a bit of Disagreeable person around them to balance each other out and vice versa right so we don’t understand the optimal balance for for for long term thriving in a relationship But I think we do understand the fact that if you’re too different in your traits and where you’re different, it is going to constitute a chronic source of Conflict

100 thoughts on “Jordan Peterson – Finding a Partner and the Role of Personality

  1. All good points. In my case I consider my self a social introverted person. If I had a extrovert partner. first I know family & friend gatherings are going to be important so I can work it out. House stuff can be worked out. I would be willing to meet him half way every time. Is a matter of communication and maturity. Things I don't agree with I put my foot down.

  2. Ladies and gentleman, find your ideal long-term partner below among the sub comments:

    1. I encourage you all to post a short biography of yours and a clear map of your character traits.
    2. if you find someone with characteristics you are looking for, hit them up!

  3. 0:35 Engage in*. Sorry but an opportunity to 1-up Jordan at literally anything is an opportunity I will take

  4. The weirdest thing I've ever heard about common factors in long term relationships is similar pancreas size !!! How the heck did researchers come up with that ?

  5. Peterson is too awesome. He should be knighted immediately, so the standard of 'knighthood' in the modern age has a real meaning…Mostly, it has more to do with popularity…which is closely resembling incompetence…see McGuinty/Wynne/Trudeau for reference.

  6. Absolutely!!! I think this is the main reason why I always tended to go for personality instead of looks.ofcourse being attracted to a person is one thing and loving them is liking who they are as a whole instead of just looks.

  7. I've always thought introverts don't really exist. They're just extroverts in waiting. Socializing is good for you, seems unnatural for it to drain you of energy.

  8. I think some traits need to match more than others. Agreeable/disagreeable don't match, lazy and hard working don't match (ie conscientiousness). But I'm pretty extroverted and can still date introverts fine. Your partner doesnt have to participate 100% in your social life.

  9. I'm – Introverted

    My ex was the exact opposite. Needless to say, we were constantly fighting. She'd call me uptight and boring. I'd say she was irresponsible and immature.

    Wish I had this guidance sooner

  10. I like how he uses his students theories or theories of anyone who he thinks can make sense and be practical

  11. This dude is such a mature ENTP. In a time of my life when I was my best version, I talked just like him and didn't even know him yet.

  12. It’s amazing how you can keep listening feeling like you’ve never heard anyone articulate what you’ve been thinking the whole time…

  13. I’m such an extroverted person and I once dated an introvert and I gotta tell you the relationship didn’t even last for four months cause of the gap between us

  14. the orderly/unorderly…beware the boyfriend who will wait you out so you end up doing all the work!

  15. The funny thing is all the extroverts out there think there is something wrong with the introverts when they don’t want to socialize…..

  16. If you're very selfish, not responsible, and don't want to sacrifice, don't bother dating, don't bother with marriage…. not hating on you, but you'd be a horrible person to have relationship with, you're better off being alone.

  17. So pretty much nobody is compatible with each other.. too different, or too much the same. I constantly search for the answers as to why I'm still single at this age, which admittedly has mostly been my own decision. I watch Jordan Peterson alot (among others), just trying to find an answer.. that I still haven't found.

  18. For the first time I disagree with Dr. Peterson. As long as both understand each other personality it will be manageable. In fact it os hard to stay too long with a perdon who is a lot like you. People who are of different in personalities compensate for the flaws of each other and complement each other. My wif is super orderly Im not, I learn to be more organized with her, and she learned how to be more relaxed. It takes a lot of work though. However you grow a lot.

  19. I think part of love is being able to overcome these kinds of differences in an intimate relationship. You don't stick with someone just because they make you feel good, you stick with them because you love them, that is to say, you have chosen to love them and remain committed to them no matter what.

  20. It seems to me people tend to end up with their opposites, not in every measure, i.e. of the big 5, but when it comes to many of the big 5 measurements, including introverted vs extroverted and conscientious vs non-conscientious, as well as attachment style (i.e. an ambivalent with an avoidant). That seems to happen often, at least anecdotally– from my own experience.

  21. Don't waste your time trying to change dead man, find someone who still alive and willing to change for better.

  22. I think even if a couple have different perspectives, their relationship could actually work pretty fine if they take the time to talk it out, on the other hand and this is couples modern issue, is they start with a pretty good chemistry and cummon ground but not communicating on a deep level on the long run destroys the relationship.

  23. I’d have to agree with his undergrads hypothesis of industriousness – I can’t stand being inactive. Productivity is of huge importance to me (I feel bad watching this video)

  24. I’m an introvert but I much prefer interacting in a group than one on one, just with one other person is the most awkward imo

  25. Being a neurotic extrovert sucks. I love spending time with people, but I always get anxious that they hate me.

  26. Lol, who told you your ultimate rule, that heaving children is the most important Thing in the World.? Sorry but that ist so stupid.

  27. Basically,the doc is saying he doesn’t have a statistical clue how the hell intimate relationships work successfully over a lifetime 👫

  28. Trouble is, people change so what might be ok early on, one of you may mature/change when the other doesn't and voila, incompatibility! Couple that with the Venus/Mars problemo and well, good luck! From my observation the man wants to keep his woman as she was and the woman changes. The woman wants to change her man and he stays as he was.

  29. I would love to recieve an honorary degree in theoretical sociology with a minor in underwater basket weaving from the University of Jordan Petersen.

  30. What he is trying to say is " marry a person who is your opposite from you and make your life interesting and he somehow doesn't like to explain things clearly , make things
    Complicated and confusing and he. Knows that himself. But failed in front of me.
    So according to him, as a girl I should marry a man who is organised ,stable , normal behavior and well known and having a good – clear image guy which will make my life better. My foot. You marry someone who has Respect for you and makes you happy and can have life with friendly behavior. According to him if I marry a complete opposite guy what is going to happen is I am going to be bored and I won't have a will to be in relationships. My behavior is quite tomboy type , I am calm outside but storm goes inside me and people think me crazy …..well somehow I think his logic is useless…..

  31. If you want to research about the Four Attachment Styles of Love, here are the list

  32. I disagree with JBP. I know entitlement has corrupted this country sometime when the financial world started growing before Silicon Valley was known for tech.

    I’ve felt blessed to have a partner before objectifying women as a rapist straight man. That being said, technically speaking it is I who has been raped by all my partners…… let that sink in.

  33. My dude rely's too much on bullshit psychological research. Fact . They have no model. They have ideas. They then find evidence for those ideas. Confirmation bias with no model. The big question is how good is the sex?

  34. Imagine being one of those poor assholes who have to take notes from this ubermensch in real time, without a pause button

  35. How can you pay tuition, sit in one of the most influential professors of our time’s classes, sit in the front row, and still be on your phone?

  36. I agree with necessity of sharing a certain "relativity" with your partner, whereby there is just enough difference to create spark and mutual interest, learn from one another, but ultimately have a strong mutual understanding and be on the same page fundamentally.

    However idk if the Big 5 are a good reference for this. In fact, I'm not a fan of that to begin with. From what I've learned, relationships are all about communication and honesty, which everyone knows but can't be stated enough. The more effort that goes into these things, the more realistically you can save relationships which have a sense of conflict at their core due to those subtle on the surface yet profound differences on the biological level.

  37. I disagree with Jordan Peterson on this. While in fact it may "seem" ideal to be closer to your ideal partner on such spectrums, the problem is that in reality people are more often attracted to their opposites. While one might think this attraction may not be the best possibility and thus must be avoided, the thing is that this attraction towards the opposite is what balances us out. People who are more similar will not find eachother attractive, just like there's typically a huge difference in what in males and females. They're more opposite than the same usually. Although this is not about gender, the same principe is at work here. It's about seeking what balances you out, rather than seeking more of the same. Guys who are friendzoned, are usually too similar to the women they desire. Not too different.
    Also if you look at couples in real life that work effortlessly (look around in your own family or friends) the people with the best relationships are usually very different. Introverts feel atttracted to extroverts, agreeable to less agreeable etc. Sure, the result is that in the relationship the less agreeable person will get their way more often, but the thing is that this is the desire of both partners . At least indirectly – since if you would literally ask them, they would both say they want it more equal. It's all about differences, rather than similarties.

  38. comment about industrious people is correct. my father is highly industrious.. it doesn't make him happy, it's a matter of compulsion to be doing something

  39. “Women’s "empowerment" and women’s abandonment are two sides of the same coin; you never get one without the other. This is because an empowered woman will necessarily drive a man away since a man cannot contribute to a woman safely or effectively when the woman is ‘in charge '. There are men who will be attracted to an empowered woman and these are the men who want to abandon women, who don’t want to provide for and protect women. These men will prefer an "empowered" woman so that they will be ‘off the hook’ in terms of their duties as men.”  

    The truth of the matter is that feminism has never spoken for all women. They have created this mess we have now and made men not want to take on any personal responsibilities for women. So now women have to take on a man’s burdens as well as putting up with their traditional ones. Marriage and divorce have become a never-ending war between the sexes. First, it’s a marriage where both spouses fight over who does what and women whining and complaining about “having” to work.

  40. What if the guy was an excellent actor before the wedding, portraying himself as organized and disciplined and then became lazy after the wedding???

  41. In the animal world you are born to be what you are. In the human world you don't recognize what someone is or should be, but in mr. Jordan Peterson's case, he was born to be the non-plus-ultra in Psychology, my full admiration sir, you've got what it takes to be.

  42. I like to think that I'm competitively conscientious. When I'm around productive people I get competitive for productivity.

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