100 thoughts on “Ruminating about your narcissistic ex

  1. Just ruminating about all the trust issues I had with his behaviour when he was lying his pants off, and denying it. Then having to feel the brunt of his anger when I asked questions which were perceived by him as a lack of trust on my part. How he has destroyed my reputation with his family and friends. I can’t believe I was used as a tool that his friend could profit from. I am not only devastated, I am extremely angry. If the cops weren’t potentially so crooked, I would turn him in. 👹

  2. Yes, I ruminate about my mother, mother-in-law and of course, my ex-husband which I believe was either was a sociopath or a narcissist.

  3. Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for your videos and all your work.
    I have a question I hope you can answer. Do narcissists ruminate? I am still thinking that I was the narcissist in my last relationship and it breaks my heart. It's a terrifying thought I cannot take out of my mind…

  4. I do about how I was ever deceived and hoping for the best. I didnt know what a Narc was until 2 years ago…

  5. I most ruminate on the how did my husband fall for her when be knew how depressed and broke she left my brother? He saw signs of her negative impact, but then she turned him around, seduced him, now she's sweet, wonderful, amazing! How did she get him to switch and cut me out? She made herself a victim and needy.

  6. OMG, I rehearse potential conversations between me and my Narc. I can never win an argument so I think about how to be able to withstand the next encounter by rehearsing.

  7. Your so good at what you do Dr Ramani I didn’t know what narcissist was until I stumbled across one of your videos a few years ago so I was mind blown when I heard you speak it was as if you knew my how my past relationship was down to a T . You relly Opened my eyes and realized I was not the problem but he was .

  8. Rumination is important but also can be destructive to the individual. It's tough to process the narc relationship, especially when the narc is your child. You keep reliving all that you've done as a parent and maybe there was something I could of done to prevent this? At the end of the day, you have to believe the unbelievable to grow and gain strength. Thank you Dr. Ramani : )!


  10. Annnd again, clicked like before getting through the intro. Dr. Ramani, you are doing an immense service; thank you!

  11. I tried to watch your live stream today but you had technical difficulties, I had an important question but I'll save it for the next stream. I was going to comment this on that stream but the video was removed so this was your next most recent vid. I have a question unrelated to me. Have you heard of Greg Jackson better known by his YouTube name Onision? He is a prime example of a narcassist and has been very guilty of publicly smearing pretty much every person he's been in contact with especially current and ex romantic partners, and using his whole 2mil fanbase as an army of flying monkeys. In the past year or two his victims are finally getting some of the analysis of their abuse, recognition, and support they've always deserved, but why did it take years for society to recognize him for the predator he is, especially when almost all of his victims he met when they were under the age of 18, and why does YouTube continue to leave all his channels up, and is there a medical term for what he's doing on his OnisionSpeaks channel now, faking mental break downs, seizurs, and childhood trauma, for views, sympathy, and essentially trying to discredit the accounts of his victims? If you've heard nothing about this and want to know more there are several YouTube channels almost souly dedicated to investigating and exposing this monster, the most relevent being Have a Seat With Chris Hansen where all of Greg's victims one by one each week are properly investigation-style interviewed about their experiences with Greg, Repzion makes some great summary videos with complications of victim's reciepts, and Mörges is very funny and cute while she picks apart all the creepy stuff Greg videos, does, and posts on the internet, picks apart his old patreon, and catches him in the act of being a sex addicted creep in a voice chat with minors present in it. I have no affiliation with any channel I mentioned I'm just a fan, but I was thinking that if a real Dr. like you made a video analysis of Greg's abusive patterns that his victims might see it, and it could help them with their process of self validation, because for a lot of them their abuse was very recent, and the wounds are still fresh, and there are still people on Greg's side trying to shove salt in them, also for your regular veiwers perhaps having the veiwable example in one of your videos might help them answer the question they always fill your comments sections with, "Is my (insert family member or romantic partner here) a narcassitic abuser?". I totally understand if you want to keep your nose clean and stay out of this nasty topic, but I really felt like I should at least try this pitch. Thanks if you read it. 😊

  12. My rumination process lasted for 2 years. I also educated myself about toxic people. What I know for sure is "When people show you who they are believe them the first time, don't wait for the 29th time. Do you want another electric shock???"

  13. Excellent topic. I would love to hear more about ruminating while stuck in the relationship. The stage when you have come to understand fully what you're dealing with, but you still haven't fully accepted it because it's hard to accept such a cold reality.

  14. The no answers to the simple closure questions. Hard to understand how they just don’t give a crap about you, no matter what I did or didn’t do never changed the course we were on.

  15. its been a year and I find myself ruminating about things that I'm not sure happened. I have connected the dots and I think he has done very bad things, not to me (even though he did that too) but to other people and I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about the fact that he practically told me what happened and I just brushed it off because it was only half the story and he was casual about it. Now I'm obsessing over something that might have happened and everything that implies and I don't know how to stop.

  16. The rumination happens because we were genuinely invested in the relationship while to the narcissist, it was just a game from the start. They simply take off and move on to play the game elsewhere while we are left behind with missing pieces of our self and everything we believed was real.

  17. I have a hard time coming to grips that I fell for the love bombing and that I was stupid and was not strong enough to walk away early.

  18. I ruminate about two main things: 1) the consistent, deep-seated lies (mostly centered around his cheating) that I uncovered over two years and 2) the ways my ex would make fun of my body and personality. Additionally, I find myself in a loop of asking myself how I let certain behavior continue even after I would express how hurtful it was for my self-esteem, my self-worth, and overall mental health. Looking back, I’m so perplexed that I fell in love with someone that consistently made me think so little of myself. Whew…

  19. 10 years I've wasted and he literally ghosted me…he had me like hypnotized! this was not a human being..a pure evil master piece..im still ruminating for over 1 year now..

  20. I really enjoy learning about Narcissist… But I saw some videos on mecircle of you talking about BPD. In response for another of your video, I am empathic and I am definetly a rescuer. Right now I have a real hard time figuring out if she is a BPD or a Narcissist… Anyway, I would love to hear you speak about any aspect of BPD…

  21. My narc relationship improved quite a lot in the last few years, he tried to be nicer, while I moved in his direction and cared less and we had a strange middle ground of almost being on a similar plane after 10 years. His sexual entitlement is what ended it for me.

    Another oddity is that this is one of the most respectful, nicer breakups I’ve ever had. As far as breakups go, it’s possibly the most pleasant and loving (strange I know)

    I’m now in month 3, he’s still trying to get me back. I’m travelling in Vietnam on my own. I’m definitely not ruminating as there wasn’t a massive amount of craziness at the end of the relationship. I just keep getting hit with emotional flashbacks instead, processing old hurts from earlier years that I couldn’t process when they happened. I’ll be having a great day when all of a sudden a melancholy will hit me like a truck for a couple of hours. It took me a long time to get him to improve as much as he did and he may have kept improving, he was trying but I the damage was done and I still need to heal from that.

  22. SMACK!!!! I do this about my narc family and I finally figured it out a few weeks ago (thanks to something Dr R said in another video). The reason I ruminate on them is because, I think that by reliving the conversations/episodes in my head that somehow I will get justice (from them). It won't happen. So now, when I catch myself going in that direction I can pull out of it pretty quickly. Now to watch the video and see what Dr R has to say on the subject. THANK YOU DR R!

  23. Dr. Ramani, could you please do a video on the differences in ruminating about not just an ex, but also a parent? I’m the daughter of a narcissist mother, so of course I ended up in a longish-term relationship with a narcissistic man. When I broke up with the ex (for the actual final time), I had been been ruminating about our relationship for a few years already, but when I left the last time, one morning I woke up and looked at my face in the mirror and in my head I heard my inner voice say clearly, “I don’t deserve this”, and poof I was done, completely. I still think about him on occasion, but I never ruminate on him because I no longer care enough. However, with my mother, since I was being subjected to her extreme narcissistic abuse my entire life from childhood, those messages went deep, and they never go away. I’m almost 70 and she’s been dead over 15 years, but I’m especially ruminating now because of watching videos like yours and am trying to heal myself. That hurt, seriously damaged little girl will always be a part of my life, deep to my core. But my ruminations now focus more on how to repair the damage from her actions. And, yes, I’m going to get therapy, because, even though I’m a senior, I’m still determined to “fix” my thought processes so that I can at least be happy and gain wisdom and self-respect in my final years. I’m not about to give up now that I finally figured out what went on, now that I finally have names and definitions and descriptions for the things that happened.
    Thank you for your excellent videos. I have found them very helpful.

  24. OMG doctor you have to be my therapist please, everything you have just explained was and is directly pin pointed what I’m feeling, and the leading issues in which is causing me such misdirection, confusion, pain, and day to day struggles, and so much more issues in which are talked about in some of your other videos I have just been trying to gather as much information as possible to what this title narcissism is and realizing now this is what I have just gone through the last ten years of my life which was all my 20s till present 29 years old, still goin through this thing, please help me because I have the most trouble finding a therapist who specializes in topics such as what you discuss thank you for your content and hope to hear from you my name is Jan Patrick McDowell by the way, and just want to be happy and free from the past free from the pain free from the negative thought and able to be successful in life again Atlast which has been the hardest thing for me to overcome in my life

  25. Ok, after 6 months he told me he was still married ONLY for insurance purposes. I told him we have different morals and I’m out… he freaked no not like this! I was w him for about 8 months. He was faithful for he says 3 months but really none of it at all. The girls were always younger about 24.

    The shit I allowed would NEVER be something I normally would do. He was diagnosed w MPD at 19. I got the “I miss you” text I responded with you miss access to me … Oohh he was pissed. Then he smithed it over until I said “are you moving back for us? (I have kids) he said no I said well then you don’t miss us at all. Again he was mad.

    Just so many little and big things I let happen to me and I don’t feel I’m afraid to be alone. Was single for 6 years and thought I knew exactly who I am. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and analyzing myself.

    There were no pictures of us and yet he showed me pics of him w another woman at the bar “his friends friend” at his going away party which he told me about a month before he left. He said he wanted us to have our own time … at night ALWAYS…

    I’ve been researching this topic .. narcissist heavily for a while now and I understand a lot better now … still processing but I dissect everything ….

    He is a self proclaimed “good guy”. It’s not my job to judge him only god can do that.

  26. Iam I the only one that feels like she is just milking narcissists PT textbook info it 2020 everyone knows how to go find info about this PTD but what about helping the victims(isn't that why you wrote your book) Let's talk about healing the trauma bond that these relationships cause talk about what a victim may experience like depression anxiety and confusion about your identity and how to get back to self….obviously your audience is filled with victims please stop perpetuating our fears by talking about what it like and what to expect I mean we are in the 💩 trust me we already smell it 😒….Can you start providing some content around solutions to overcoming and healing and breaking the trama bond…. EVEN IF SOMEONE CHOOSES TO STAY "@DoctorRamani"

  27. Basically the ex tortured me and left a big wound. He laughed when he hurt me. He found triangulation people, he was good at it. Since then i have found people who are better and can see the signs in a heart beat and realize that this guy is always hovering and is weak. He is a whatever person now and no contact. The thing is i have run up on are handymen who help you in your house and if you dont have a lot of mon

  28. Phone but these guys try and manipulate you big time but i got the big stuff done where i dont need them but the one still wants to come around so he bum rushes. He doesnt do things so well but wants to make you feel like you cant do anything yourself and talks over u. Its good practice getting rid of them and dealing with them and other creepier narcs or could be creepier.

  29. I want to thank you, Dr. Ramani for this video, JUST IN TIME. Because I was having withdrawals, I needed this video to be my bullet proof vest for my heart. WOW. I did not even know about Narcissism until I met this person, and because I found that I was giving the benefit of the doubt for blatant lies…for example:

    This person said that it, it because its a reptilian, it said, "Oh no my brother's house burned down. I have to call him." In my mind I said, "Wow it burned down to the ground, and the fire is been over for it to be covered in snow, and no trace of any splinters or beams, because the cleaned it up REALLY FAST. Wow the family never got wind, and they live around the corner." Antennae goes up. But, I knew better. I said, "You know there was never a house here. This is an empty lot…just some bull dozer tracks, not fire truck tracks." He said, "Oh I meant this house over here. Thank God no fire." Then Christmas came around the corner and the brother lives two hours away. So, I was waiting to see if, this was a vacation house for ski season. It was not. The brother had NO PLACE because there were other family member sleeping over, so he had to go to another place. But, being addicted I was breaking up every two weeks and coming back until the 5th month…and then it exploded…then 9 months later…near Christmas time, but now I am strong. Thank you.

  30. I'm not sure if you've done this topic already, but could you please do a video on narcissistic mothers/sisters/female family members? Please?

  31. Omg dr. Ramia.. u r so spot on how I feel. I am in the relationship w/ narcissist I am reumgating everything right now. I needed this video. Everything I am second guessing. We have been together for 10 years with 2 kids and tells me I have take care of him cause kids together. He gas lights me. I owe him something. Its hard to write. He tells me I can't leave I'm breaking up the family. So I'm supposed to stay unhappy. Cause I have kids

  32. Yes Dr R. It’s definitely different with a narc breakup. I was talking to mine a few times a day sending photos, sexting, FaceTiming, saying I love you, can’t wait to see you. This was I thought when we got back together…. all and I mean all of the components of us getting back together happily. Then I heard through a friend he was seeing a new girl, I asked him and he said “yes! I can’t believe I found the love of my life! … It just happened! I’m so happy, I’ll send you a picture, isn’t she beautiful?” He literally had no regard for me and actually expected me to be happy for him! What is this Dr. R? How can someone be so cruel, self absorbed? I was more than shocked and speechless!

  33. Just mourned the death of my Narc Mother after breaking the chain. Mourned the death of my brother many years ago. Brother & Mother are still breathing but I received my walking papers years ago and am surviving towards thriving.
    TNX Dr Ramani

  34. It has been three years for me and it has lessened quite a bit i still do ruminate at least once or twice a week. It used to be a constant loop in my brain, i could not get it to stop. That helps a lot to know it is part of the process. I have been to two therapist, read several books and watched countless videos, so i feel i am well educated on the topic but i defiantly still do not understand how people can be this way, i suppose that is why i am still stuck. Excellent video, Thank you!

  35. I made this quote my mantra
    ‘Do not give the memory of injustice the best seat at the table.’- Miroslav Volf
    I purposefully set myself short, medium and long term future goals and events. Sometimes a short term goal was coffee with a friend on Friday.
    My ruminating was so chronic at times, it was debilitating!
    I had to learn and practice switching my thoughts to look forward to my future and consciously building a future in my mind that I could strive towards. I have been ‘free’ 20 months now and enjoying life immensely.

  36. thanks! after i broke up, i stopped contact what was working out for me. Slowly the rumination dissapeared. Till a friend showed me a picture of his wedding (within a year we broke up) for a month it started again in my head. All bad things, lies and manipulations i went through started as conversations again in my head, i was very ashamed that it happend again, that i couldnt controll it ;)))) Im a wrong, is he cappable of loving, did he dropped his bad bavouviour and turned out to a loving person? I know the answer …no he didnt, but it took all of my energie.
    My father is diagnosed narcist, he went through a lot of fake marriage/relations….
    Thanks for the video, i recognize my own pattern, cauze when i was young i was fighting my father, very frustrating. Now i bite my tong, dont want to give it attention, but its still frustrating, wish next time i can let it go more easily

  37. Dr. Romani people are always assuming the narcissist was your ex I avoid people but I attract narcissist for there it is department manager Obama in the street whatever I am kind of a loner now but I am content with that I appreciate your videos you are brilliant

  38. I am ruminating now about my mother in law and thinking about loosing my mind. Thanks for telling that it is normal after that kind of manipulative 19 years of relationship.

  39. Very powerful. I’m out of my 25 year marriage for about 18 months and have been trying to stop the ruminating …. but now my dreams seem to be taking over and pulling me back. :(. I’m signing up for one of your retreats and can’t wait. Thanks so much Dr. Ramani

  40. OMG! It's exactly what happened to me. It got to a point where I wasn't able to even sleep well. Blocked her forever. Also, I'm still comparing her in different situations. Like: "would she do that in this case?" – sometimes I've the impression it's hurt, other times I'm attempting to check in on their behavior. Anyhow: very fucking toxic people.

  41. I ruminated most about his Jekkle/Hyde behavior, and how Dr. Jekkle was not charming or charismatic at all. Those types usually turn me off and send off warnings, and the only reason I even engage with them is a social obligation from others (they are a boss, teacher, partner of friend). My narcissist was genuinely sweet and kind on his good side and I have no idea how he accomplished being half of a genuinely good person and then such a self-absorbed person (his manipulations were NOT clever at all). He is hands down the strangest narcissist I've ever met. The others were much easier to see.

  42. The rumination is about how she was seeing someone while we were on break after 3 years together and didn’t tell me anything, got back together with me then a week later broke up with me and left me for another guy

  43. My narcissist ex ghosted me on new years day. He ghosts me periodically to bring me stress. I feel like I can't stop second guessing myself even though I know he is a narcissist!!

  44. I wish there’d been someone as knowledgeable as you (and others) around 20 years ago! I’d have understood the 38 year marriage I survived. He died 2-1/2 years ago. I researched 6 years prior and realized he was a covert narcissist. But, as always, things happen when and how they need to happen in this continuum of life. I thank God I survived and am thriving now. These videos about narcissism just validate what I experienced and encourage me to keep moving forward. Thank you for sharing your knowledge!

  45. Somebody noticed that there was a live video in several parts some days ago and they all disappeared the same day? Does anyone know what happened?

  46. The smear campaign / betrayal / was the big thing with me. 3 1/2 yrs….. Just coming out of the darkness. Biggest frustration is well meaning people giving me 'advice' not understanding the effects of narc abuse. Thank goodness for channels such as yours. They got me through the most traumatic days of my life.

  47. 7:44 (about trust)
    The more toxic the relationships, the more we ruminate!

    OCD-er’s can ruminate much longer than other types of people.

  48. 2 years I've been doing this and it's drained every ounce of energy out of my life. I'm going to a mood disorder clinic in ten days and I'm very hopeful for some help. I can't do this on my own anymore. I haven't been doing this on my own at all. Almost ten years of a toxic relationship with a wife who is clinically diagnosed with BPD has left me feeling like I'm just a shell of a man with nothing but emptiness inside. I ruminate so much that I cry without fail every single day. This is no way to live I really hope these people can help me because as much as I want to help myself I am not doing so at all. That also means if I'm not taking care of myself I'm not taking care of my son properly either and that is a very hard pill to swallow. The abuse is this relationship was unreal yet if she wanted to give our marriage another try I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't understand why. I just want my family back and to fix what was broken. She was also the one who discarded me. The past 2 years have been hell. It was hell when we were together and for me it's even worse without her. The confusion and sadness is too much and I hope I can get some help.

  49. My rumination is about what happened and how I can NEVER allow that again. I'm in the ANGRY stage…. I know the stages of grief and soon I'll be in acceptance… I'm surrounded by healthy people and so I'm blessed!

  50. 2 years later and still find myself ruminating. I think the pain is gone and I can live my life without interruption, but it's almost as if I've just gotten used to it being a part of my every day life.

  51. What amazing video. I’ve just simply needed this information today. There were months between ruminating and asking myself if was going crazy in an endless cycle. Knowing that rumination is part of the process gives me the opportunity to process what happened to me in a smooth way until, like Dr. Ramani said, one day we just let go. Thanks for this powerful information😊.

  52. Hi Dr. Ramani
    Just wanted to know if you think it is okay to move on to another relationship if you're still ruminating? Would getting into another relationship help with rumination or would likely cause a another bad relationship ?

  53. I dont why I took so much abuse Doctor but I allowed my sister destroy the love of my life. I recorded the conversations because I thought I needed to be able to remember her advise…

    This is long and you wont have time but am just off loading to you because I admire your knowledge and your videos have really help.

    Cindy attacked my life from the beginning, right after I helped her repair her knee. She repeatedly mentally beating the shit out of me. I didn’t see it because I was idealistic and couldn’t believe she wanted to hurt me. I wasn’t aware that evil existed nor what being sick really meant.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngcuw3dqdDA Life Line

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF5FfGhn-mA&t=21s Brain Washing

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4a_IpSzwWU Love Bombing

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2ZFqR2rC3U BAITING YOU

    1/3) Cindy setting me up by putting on a fake façade that she in support of me like you would expect a big sister to be.


    2/3) Cindy setting me up by putting on a fake façade that she in support of me like you would expect a big sister to be.





    Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage

    In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term

    what many people don’t realize is that over time, these repeated emotional injuries shrink the hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, while enlarging the amygdala, which houses primitive emotions such as fear, grief, guilt, envy, and shame. Cindy did this to me over and over and over again and again.

    Narcissists keep their victims in a constant state of anxiety and fear, which in turn causes their victims to react from his or her amygdala (or “reptilian” brain). The amygdala controls life functions such as breathing and heart rate and the basic emotions of love, hate, fear, and lust (all of which are considered “primal emotions”).

    Even after the toxic relationship has ended, victims suffer PTSD, C-PTSD, panic attacks, phobias, and more… due to the triggering of their primal fears by their overactive amygdalae. Out of these fears, targets of narcissistic abuse often engage in primitive defense mechanisms. It takes years to heal here are tech to use

    Of course, the first course of action would be to plan and implement an exit strategy. It takes time to recover from narcissistic abuse and one short encounter can set you back enormously. I didn’t see it. I would go from thinking she had my back to being attacked again by CINDY. CONFUSED was her or Rich? It was CINDY.

     Meditation, Performing acts of kindness and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) – helps correct the biochemical short-circuiting that occurs with chronic anxiety caused by the psychopath CINDY.


    Psychopaths never take responsibility for their actions


    Cindy could have been mercifulness enough to finish the job instead she left me as road kill. She left up to me. Evil.

  54. I’m ruminating about a relationship I’m currently trying to practicing (no contact) because I believe my wife is either a narcissist or is suffering from BDP and I’m not sure exactly where I fit in based on the information I’ve gathered thus far and I don’t want to seem like I’m putting it all solely on my spouse … thkz for the info and all the videos such a great help

  55. This video is soooooo great. I keep searching for answers and this helps bring clarity. I left in Aug. 2010, and still from time to time look for reasons and understanding. I wouldn't say it has ruined my life, but has definitely forced me to keep walls up with forming new relationships. I, however, have rebuilt myself and life since then. I still am hesitant to bring a new person on-board, but this video has definitely helped me see I have had other relationships where I didn't question what went wrong. Those were the "healthy relationships". I love all your videos Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much for the information. 💜

  56. My first love relationship lasted 5 years. She was a narcissist, I didn’t know how to deal with. She did something so terrible involving my kids. Then I hit her! I never in my life hit anyone! Then for 12 years after we broke up I blamed myself! And I was so confused! I thought it was all my fault. We got back together again for 5 years. The most miserable of my life, and I realized it wasn’t me! She cheated, lied, did drugs, etc! And kept my stomach in knots! (Yes anxiety) lol! I never understood why I couldn’t move past her! I spent 10 years in a relationship with her, and 12 ruminating over her, to finally figure out she was narcissistic! It ended with her cheating and when I confronted her she broke my nose! Ugh! What a nightmare! I’ve been no contact for several years and married now! Completely done ruminating! Thank you so much for explaining this! When I got back with her the second time I thought, “What the heck is wrong with me?” All those years I felt so ashamed of myself- and didn’t see the truth!

  57. I ruminate not because of her behavior,i ruminate over the sheer cost of being with this person,6 plus years of giving my upmost to someone who had sheer greed. no respect for all we give and no way do they feel guilt of any kind for there twisted selves. no way is she going to sit and think how dishonest she was its all in a days work,im partly at fault i was too co-dependent but now i see the light,hopefully i move fwd with recognition of these disorders.

  58. Thank you for your videos. I’m currently married to a narcissist with other issues complicating our relationship further. You’ve really helped me want to explore my options to get healthy. Still feel stuck now but hope soon I am free

  59. Dr Ramani I have been in a previous relationship with a narcissist for 2 years and it’s been 3 years since I walked away but I still think about it and I have so much resentment when I think about it but I still continue to show empathy to others and be the person I was before but I’m not trusting at all and I question everyone’s intentions to the point of paranoia.
    I have recently found myself with another person who I thought yeah we got on well it didn’t feel addictive and literally 5-6 weeks into it they start demanding things from me “if you don’t tell me everything about you then I won’t want you” and threatened an ultimatum and my response was if that’s what you want okay if I’m not comfortable I won’t say anything. Anyway I cared for this person deeply we spent a lot of time together and a few days later they call me and say “ I didn’t know what I was thinking I’m really lost inside” and I think it’s bs he knew what he was doing and he wanted me to beg and grovel for his attention and because I didn’t he came back and said how I was being mean by doing this.

    Anyway, I didn’t think much of it and again so many little things kept happening just anger outbursts over nothing, and if I ever told him he had hurt me or this hurt my feelings or he knew I was upset he would say he has a headache, he said he ate something that didn’t sit right with him and went and threw up when I was talking about myself, and then he would say “ I felt sick and I still spoke to you about this and that etc” how is this person an adult when they’re acting like a child.

    I never expected this because my ex was overt and all his toxic ways was visible but he was the victim, the sensitive one and this guy was more covert he presumably doesn’t like attention, doesn’t spend a lot of time around people, had always done thing on his own and I saw this myself he didn’t like to be around people much so I was like I’m like this too I’m an introvert so maybe being around others is draining for him too. But no I was so wrong. They come in so many different disguises but ultimately they all have several things in common I’ve noticed they all love bomb, are intense and “caring” the first month after about 5 weeks they find it hard to keep up the charade and you see the mask slipping when they get angry over small things so you say maybe they’re having a bad day, then they argue with you but everything is your fault and even when they know they are wrong they are sarcastic and say “oh yeah I was wrong it’s all my fault” they don’t mean it.
    And they love if you cry or they see you upset and they caused it makes them feel alive inside it’s such a sickening disease these people have, I told him how I don’t trust people easily etc and he kept prodding for why I was like this and now I know why he wanted to use my past to distort it and justify his own behavior. After about 4 months I gave up I know this isn’t a reciprocal relationship and looking back at my previous relationship I realise I have come a long way where I believed the narcissistic and I truly believed he loved me, but once you know these people they don’t love you and is their life purpose to destroy you just to feel special about themselves.
    Now this Narc I have put him in his place and I have not once since the beginning took any of what he said and the gaslighting and blame shifting I still told him it’s his fault, now he’s giving me the silent treatment, I finally recognized the wound in myself and I know I deserve real healthy love and this just makes me feel so awful inside and I also feel trapped.
    I broke down with him once and it’s like I went back to my childhood trauma since my father is a narcissist it’s like I’ve always wanted to get his attention and I was just hysterical and all I kept saying was “ I feel so unheard and misunderstood, why can’t you understand me, why don’t you know what I’m saying” and this must’ve been an episode in my childhood where I was trying to make my father understand “to be heard” it’s like the narcissist made me feel like I didn’t exist because they couldn’t empathize, and a little girl really needs her fathers love but when he’s denying her of her feelings she will grow up and when she meets a partner who is basically mirroring her fathers actions “your feelings don’t matter, you know that right” and she just nods her head and says “yeah okay” and she stays hoping to “fix” it this time around.
    My father is still the same person if anything he’s worse if he’s confronted about doing anything wrong in his life he will go into a full blown narcissistic rage and will attack you and possibly kill that person I kid you not, you are attacking their very existence so they will destroy your life and you don’t exist.
    Anyway going back to this silent treatment I literally look at this now and I’m like what the f*** I don’t deserve this treatment I’m out. I know I don’t want this person and engaging with them now just brings so much pain and dealing with them means dealing with more pain. It’s like I did all my research and healed from my previous Narc relationship but then to be met with another one, but still I’m grateful I know this and I’m self aware I could have married this person and would be abused mentally, physically, emotionally and the person won’t even see me as a person but just an object who needs to mirror everything to them and I become their emotional dumpster. And I truly believe these people will go to any lengths to hurt people close to them with no remorse, they rob you blind of your reality and tell you that you’re the crazy one. With my ex he kept going behind my back about talking to others but once I found out he kept doing the same things again and again, and they even do it when they know it hurts you and you react then they say “you really are crazy” I’ve not seen evil till I came across these people and didn’t realise my childhood contained a father figure like this.
    My mother is a codependent and very empathic and still with him after 30 years. It’s so sad he doesn’t genuinely love her but she believes he does, he will do so many things but he will silence her by love bombing her and then the whole thing repeats itself.

    I’m so sick of these people and how they take people for a ride and I have really big trust issues and people think it’s crazy to be like this but I don’t think it is if you see one red flag 🚩 please pay attention, this isn’t just for your sanity and mental health but being with these people can cost you your life, you have children with these beings your kids will suffer the same as you it’s a cycle and you can stop it.

    It was hard to accept my father has never and will never truly love me but I’m okay with that, I have empathy and that’s my greatest strength I can look inside myself and be self reflective and they could never do that so I’m happy I feel, I’m capable of love I just have a hard time trusting now but I think this not trusting thing and looking out for red flags in people has become the greatest asset. I mean I still feel hurt and I’m disappointed by the turn out of this situation but I know I can’t change people and I have to give all the love to myself.

    Peace and blessings xx

  60. Dr. Ramani, you are the only one who validates and illuminates the crisis I'm in. Every counsellor I've seen shows they care more about the clock and that they lack the immense wisdom, experience, and care that you have. Thank you.

  61. wow you just described me. I was married to a narcissist for 15 years and I can’t get over our issues. We share kids together he’s remarried and love bombing the new wife. It’s so hard to let go of all of the issues the blame and the gaslighting. I have anxiety now and i never did before. We also have 2 autistic kids so i have more than one reason to have these anxiety issues. But when he verbally abuses me know i still think he’s right. And and I feel haunted by him because even though he’s gone i fear his verbal abuse over something he would have criticized me for. It’s been a year and a half.

  62. Ruminate to a point. I have to talk about it. My ex husband and my mom are narcissists. I have had a big change. My dad passed away in early 2018, I have had zero contact from my mom. I am slowly processing through the past.

  63. Dr. Ramani because of rumination I can't move on. I am better and getting better I feel at times. However it slams me harder and harder. I do not know what to do.

  64. Lady you have to check this out


  65. I think the ruminating is because we compromised so much to keep trying and attempting to fix the problem but the problem was never us. The behavior that I should have immediately walked away from was shocking. Yes, total confusing drama. It was totally sick. It just took super long to see how sick it was and the harmony I deeply desired was impossible.

  66. My last break up was healthy and he is a Narcissist. I had huge boundaries with him. I ruminate about the Narcissists that bullied me for years. The lies and all of this came from my sisters and brothers, my mother taught them to humiliate instead of LOVE others. They all married Narcissists or co dependents. I am finally in recovery after refusing contact. It is our national health crisis.

  67. Just binged watched some videos on this channel and I have to say, Im completely in shock by how Doctor Ramani just explained something I've been feeling for a long time. This is something I've never even spoke about with anyone, so I'm just in awe really. It's amazing to see someone break someone down into a science what for me internally feels so unexplainable (fore lack of a better term). I wish you were located in NY

  68. I remember ruminating so much in my childhood. Specifically saying in my bathroom mirror “I don’t know what I did that was so bad.” Happy to say that now without contact I just say “you’re safe, it wasn’t your fault, I love you kid”

  69. It’s been 2 years since I walked away from the marriage and I still can’t get over things. All the abuse keeps playing in my mind. Him and everything that happened keeps playing in my head. I want it to stop. It’s crazy that it won’t. He moved on after only a few months. Why can’t I. I try everything meditation, journaling, Therapy, and staying busy.

    I fill that I’m going crazy. Plz help with tips to get through this.

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