Simple Trick To Stop Needy & Clingy Behavior

Simple Trick To Stop Needy & Clingy Behavior

Hey, it’s Clayton and in this video, I’m going
to talk about neediness. I’m gonna talk about how to stop being insecure, how to stop being
clingy in your relationships, and really how to get this part of your life, or at least
start getting this part of your life under control. Now the inspiration for this video
is— a couple conversations a couple coaching clients that I’ve been working with recently
who when we got to the crux of what was actually happening between them and their partner was
that they had this incredible fear of putting pressure on their partner by expressing their
needs. They thought, “God you know I just don’t want to be clingy. These are the things
that I’m needing from him or that I’m wanting to see this is what I want.” And even getting
to that place where they can say, “you know what it is that they want” was a bit of
a struggle. But once we got there then the objection came up: “Well I could never say
that because then I would be putting pressure on him and he might leave me,” or, “I
don’t want to come off like I’m desperate or controlling. I don’t want to disrespect
his time by asking for what I want.” And see this type of thinking, if you can relate
to anything that I just said there, it’s this type of thinking that actually keeps us locked
in this state of need and we were locked in the state of need that is what creates the
neediness in the relationship. So, see you might be noticing there’s a little bit of
a paradox here that if you want to escape this neediness view, if you want to no longer
be needy or clingy in a relationship, you actually have to express the need because
expressing the need allows that feeling to complete itself. Perfect example, I was working
with a woman who had told me that she was losing sleep that she couldn’t even function
at work because the man that she had been dating, she was falling in love with and she
had been with him for several months now, and she wanted so bad to tell him that she
loved him and she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. So, after dealing with this for
a while, she finally worked up the courage and she said it and what happened was that
she transformed in the relationship after that she felt this total burden just lift
from her chest all this weight of holding this in just go away and suddenly the relationship
was able to move to the next phase. So, because she’s able to express that it’s almost like
a declaration that she makes to herself of “yeah I deserve to be seen for who I am
in the relationship. My authentic real self is worth it to come out in the relationship.”
And that’s really where miracles happen in the relationship, I see a lot of relationships
end because people are afraid of expressing need because what they think is gonna happen
is that they’re gonna put too much pressure on their partner. They think that they need
to minimize themselves, that they need to discount what it is that they’re wanting in
order to be in a relationship. And ironically that is the exact type of thinking that actually
causes relationships to end because if you are not showing up in the relationship and
expressing your need, what ends up happening is, you as a woman, you as a man, actually
disappear in the relationship. Because you are perhaps becoming whatever you think the
other person wants or maybe you are completely withdrawn and the other person doesn’t really
even know who you are then because when they know what it is that you want and what you
need suddenly you appear as a real human being in the relationship. And you also by expressing
your need give your man or your woman a clear roadmap of how to satisfy you of how to be
in the relationship to create moments of happiness and without that expression of need the other
person is kind of flying blindly. So, the first thing that we’re doing here just even
by talking about this is we’re beginning to reframe that you being able to ask for what
you want in a relationship, whether it’s reassurance, whether it is more presence, whether it is
a deeper listening or just more security, that gives your partner a gift. It allows
you to show up as somebody that they now have a roadmap for of like how to love and how
perhaps make happy. And it really creates this clarity where you both can figure out
where you stand with each other. And that’s what allows the intimacy to deepen. It’s this
of trying to avoid this conflict trying to avoid expressing what it is that we want that
actually creates the conflict, that actually creates a separation and the lack of intimacy
in the relationship. Now let’s distinguish this component of putting pressure on somebody,
“Okay well that sounds great Clayton. I want to express. I want more time or more
attention or maybe I want to see my partner more often. But you know they’re going through
a lot right now and I don’t want to be a burden on them. How do we fix that?” Well here’s
the difference between in terms of communication, what makes it pressure and a burden versus
what actually makes it clean communication that allows the other person the freedom to
fulfill on it and maybe feel good about it. The difference is this: when you are expressing
your need, are you asking the person to fulfill it from them being in a place of not being
okay? Are you making them not okay because you have a need? So, for example: Am I blaming
you because I’m not getting the presence that I want? Am I saying things like you should
be more this or you should be more that or am I assuming that I know your intentions
behind why this need of mine is not being met? Because see if I’m assuming that I know
your intentions without actually talking to you about it, without actually expressing
the need from a clean place, the other person’s listening shuts down because they suddenly
feel like they are pushing off this attack and they have to become defensive. So how
you keep the communication clean is by ensuring that they are okay, that you are making them
okay with your communication which means you’re not making assumptions about their intention.
And if you are not thinking that, if that they know better, that they are purposefully
not fulfilling this need because they’re trying to be mean to you, or they’re trying to create
a reaction. Now just that alone seeing that maybe that person is just actually they just
don’t know is that you want allows you to communicate from a place of where you’re saying
rather than saying for instance, “you know you never do this, we never hang out anymore,
or we never have these deep conversations, or you never listen to me, or you’re always
on your phone, you’re never present,” which is all the blame making them not okay. It’s
saying something to the effect of, “I’m really feeling like I’m needing more attention,
maybe it’s my insecurities. But I’m really wanting some reassurance from you, right.
I know it’s not in your intention but I’m feeling a bit neglected. I’m feeling a bit
unsure. I’m feeling a bit alone in the relationship and what I’m wanting is X Y Z. What I’m wanting
is for us to be together more often or to have more conversations during the week.”
Now see, what you’re doing there is you’re owning your experience. You’re owning your
experience and you’re not blaming them for your experience. You’re naming your experience.
Naming it out loud which is irrefutable right. No one can argue with your experience and
that’s what makes it clean. And the next you’re following with a request of what it is that
you would like. Now a lot of this also has to do with the way in which you approach,
the tone, body language and just the intention that you have. And communicating this is also
really important. So, it really is trusting that maybe the other person, the reason that
you’re not feeling like you’re getting what you want out of the relationship or the interaction
is not because of something that’s wrong with you or something that they’re doing on purpose
to try to deny you, it’s rather they might just be ignorant. So, when you assume that
it might be that they’re just ignorant it frees you up to say, “Ah okay. This is an
opportunity for growth for us to go deeper so, on a service of the relationship, to respect
the relationship, to respect our connection, I must insert my voice into this dynamic.”
So, he has the opportunity or she has the opportunity to be able to step up and meet
these needs here. Now if you still think that it’s pressure and you think that oh well you
know I’m just afraid that he’s not gonna want to do it at all or such say that he does have
an a reaction where you can see that he’s not wanting to do these things even if you’re
communicating them clearly, then it might be important to reassess whether you are with
someone that you are compatible with; whether the vision that you have of a relationship,
the vision that the two of you have created, whether you guys have gone different directions
or whether you both want different thing. And it’s better to know the truth and get
more connected to the truth because then you can have a conversation around it rather than
operating under all of these assumptions and hoping that somehow it figures itself out
on its own. So, that’s it around neediness, post any comments that you have below, post
any questions. I want to plug something really quick and there is a webinar that is happening,
it’s right underneath this link, it’s called the Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready.
And it is for women who are wanting to become relationship ready which means that you are
at a place in your life where you want to have everything together on your side of the
fence so you can create the space for a quality partner to walk into your life and for you
to be able to navigate it both mentally, psychologically, emotionally and truly have a high-quality
partner that you can create a conscious relationship with. So, go ahead and click the link below
this, if you’re interested. If that intrigues you at all, subscribe to this channel, hit
the bell and thank you for watching.

100 thoughts on “Simple Trick To Stop Needy & Clingy Behavior

  1. Women, by and large are cagey, devious users. They always have an ulterior motive and treat men like errand boys. I detest women intensely. Women think they have a free pass in slapping a man. If a woman ever slapped me, I'd smash her into the ground and enjoy doing so.

  2. I told someone that i wanted him to reassure me that he wants to make it work, . His response was he didnt have a crystal ball. I feel like i cant make any relationship work. I am 54 yrs old divorced after 24 yrs of marriage. I wish i worked harder . i have a lousy relationship with my children. Feel like a failure. I know the father 41 yrs since im 13 yrs old. My life has been a mess since my divorce. He married again n im still crying. Dont think love is even worth it anymore. Too hard.

  3. I love this! I have only learned to do this the last few years. I got to a point where something I needed to say would build and I stared acting on it and this was my thinking: someone who truly loves me and is meant to be in my life still will be able to receive my truth and if he doesn't then I would rather know and move on then be in a situation that is not authentic. I would rather know and move on and find someone who loves me back and cares. I had great results in sharing my truth and it allowed for real love and intimacy that I never experienced prior because I had not yet learned to feel and express my truth (especially from a somewhat neutral emotional space) and it is difficult to have deep connections with others without this.

  4. I have tried to express my needs in a very kind way and he acts as if I am putting him out or asking stupid things of him. What do I do?

  5. I appreciate this and tbh I immediately started getting choked up bc it’s making me think maybe I am struggling opening up to my boyfriend and idk how to deal with that part of it.

  6. Not sure if I'm a needy person but probably I have been at some point in my life. I will start expressing my needs now. Clayton, may I please have your number?

  7. Holy crap this me…..I spent 2yrs saying I was fine with my partner doing sports so many times a week and I've not long told him 2yrs after he stopped….I was worried I'd sound clingy and he would feel suffocated, now he's worried things could be wrong and I wouldn't communicate it to him.

  8. If you’re dating someone who gas a problem with your clinging and neediness ….. break it off… dump him/her and move on. Love has no conditions.

  9. Clayton, i try to communicate this with my partner and I did it a constructive way. He was very open at the moment and yes, he tried and that’s true. But then there comes a moment where he gets mad when I try to talk to him about something I’m thinking. and that’s when I feel like maybe I’m the wrong person here or that I’m putting too much pressure :/ what should I do?

  10. Wow, I wish I could have listened to this video a while back. We'll, better late than never, but no regrets…… reference for the future!

  11. Only for Clayton. But if you are dating and no in formal relarionship not is the same not applies. what to do no rules to dating. for me is in that way but he other (to busy to see me in 20 days but he contact me and express that isnt lack of interest at all and that enjoy be with me in all sense). he has another mental map (priorities, work adict, personality disorder, afraid, low energy, take thing very slowly etc?)or something is wrong and i dont want presure in the begining but it dont feels well and dont want be demand and scare him

  12. You are so right! I’ve come out of a marriage because I wasn’t myself anymore. My husband changed me and I didn’t like that person I turned into.

  13. What is love these days? I need you honey to be by my side forever I want to see you everyday in my life because you can be gone forever in any day life is short. That is needy? This generation can have some middle finger forever .

  14. I love this video! But what if you express your needs to your partner but they aren't doing anything to meet those needs? In turn, still being needy? I mean you kind of touched on it at the end.

  15. Learn to express your needs – give a roadmap to yourself, create moments of happiness. Don't blame. Say, "I want this." "I need this." "This is how I'm feeling." This is an opportunity to grow.

  16. If people don't feel complete in themselves, there will always be this conflict between what two people want in a relationship. This satisfaction has to come from what you can enjoy by yourself in life without having a person next to you.
    This wholeness then becomes part of your soul.

    I know a friend of mine who even if I talk to her at 6 and 8 pm on the phone regarding something, she'll still remind me I didn't call her at 11, just to talk. I'm 64, she's 68 and unmarried. She really needs a close female friend since obviously men and women just have psychological differences as to what we think is overdoing it with communication.

  17. This great! I have someone who expressed excited interest on a dating app and didn't make the phone call he said he would…if he wants to continue, I can use this to discuss it with him…I am sure I will find it useful in all of my relationships, including with my niece…who has really stabbed in the back, because of her worry over me…a lot of very poor boundaries in my family.

  18. what about if they’re giving you a lot of attention and you’ve been dating for 2 months but they are still on dating app and haven’t asked me to delete mine either ?

  19. THE BEST video I have seen thus far, more of this please. More of convos to have in early stages when figuring out /navigating getting to the next level. So well put. Will bookmark this

  20. I have asked my man what he wants and needs from me. He just says i need you to be you?? He's never asked me what I want or need. Should i try to express what i need to him or is this relationship doomed

  21. I lost a partner because I didn't express my needs. But then I resented him because he wasn't fulfilling them. We argued a lot mostly because he failed to meet my needs that he didn't know about. I either didn't want to burden him, or was afraid that he might reject me. It was easier for me to expect him to know what to do… after all we were together for 13 years (on and off)! I now see my mistake and what I need to take through to my next relationship. Thank you Cody, awesome words you share. Arohanui from New Zealand xxx

  22. yeah there,s a limit to how much time he spend,s away , i mean if it,s more than a month at a time , i,m not doing that if he,s in the same country .

  23. Half the time I don't understand what my man is saying. He needs to explain himself along with everyone else. I am sure we want different things!

  24. Thank you so much for the great analysis and advice! You truly made me more aware of my feeling/anxiety and the reasons behind. Thank you a million times.

  25. I am struggling in my relationship. I do not know how to communicate my needs. I feel like I am going to push him away. I am in a tough situation where I am overextending myself above and beyond for this person, but I can't communicate my needs. It has built resentment and I do not know how to recover.

  26. Growing up without foundation and childhood and Adolescence abuse got me like this..I used to be assertive and into my own bubble but since giving birth to my child, slowly unraveled to a point when my son turned 16 it went down the hill…I need this

  27. Help I can’t move on she already rejected me I just felt bad for her cause she was depressed I cared for her I wanted to make he normal but
    After that I can’t move on I can’t do it there is something in the way to make second thoughts

  28. Here's what I want him to do I want him to warn me before he just ripped out the rug from underneath me if I'm starting to push into the point of The Break-Up why doesn't he just wore me first before ripping the rug out from underneath me

  29. “I’m falling in love with you/in love with you, if you don’t feel it back yet it’s ok I just had to tell you bc it’ll bug me if I don’t” there

  30. What if the person is flaky and says they want something that you want too, you agree on it, but then when it’s time to give something, they suddenly back out? 🤔

  31. I love this video and it's very relatable. I have friends who I feel I wanna talk to everyday but I don't purposely in order to not annoy them

  32. Thanks a lot really, this had been messing with my head and I was trying to deny my needs, but it makes a lot of sense to have a talk about what is needed in the relationship, thanks 🙂

  33. Why do guys tell a woman to relax hes not going anywhere…could u explain.. cause its confusing?

  34. I need help, so I was talking to a girl over text for about a month an a half, she’s a couple of years below me and at first I don’t want to admit it but I didn’t really have any feelings for her and I thought I was just going to use her for sex if I’m being honest, now of course that’s a really low thought process from me and I’m not that inconsiderate, I do respect women but I thought to myself I only want her for sex, anyway you get the point, so I invite her round after about a month and a bit of texting and she comes over, we had food watched a film and blah blah blah, no sex happened, just kissing and that kind of thing, because the week before she told me she normally comes on her period around this stage of the month, and the day before she comes round she messaged me, ‘I’m on my period’ now of course I didn’t want to sound like a prick so I said that’s fine i still want you to come round, so anyway she comes over, stays the night and the next day she leaves about midday and asks me to take her home to her Friends, which I do, and that was a Saturday so after I’d dropped her off I went out with my mates, didn’t really text her much, spoke a little on Sunday, spoke a little on Monday and then Tuesday, just blunt, I was messaging her and she was being as blunt as hell, so after a couple of days I was starting to get annoyed Because I’m thinking what did I do wrong, so I pretty much had a go at her, and then after that didn’t speak for a couple more days, I then decided to message her and tried to see if I could cheer her up but no, still blunt, not only that her friend then messaged me to tell me to leave her alone before I lose her as a friend, ?????????? Now I’m really confused, so I say to her what did I do wrong, and she said she really liked you at first and now doesn’t want to lose you as a friend, she thinks your clingy and wants you to stop! And that’s it so I stopped but I was upset confused and annoyed, we’re only in our teens so surely it isn’t real love but obviously I missed talking to her and realised maybe I did really like her! So what do I do? Was I clingy, I didn’t think so, apparently I was clingy when we met in person, but I don’t know how ?

    I didn’t believe in karma, but maybe because of my inconsiderate thought process, maybe I got what I deserve, I’d appreciate any help, I know it’s a long story to read so thanks if you made it this far!

  35. I’m scared he won’t want to do the things that I need. He is really broken and distant every chance he gets

  36. What if I am communicating that I need more connection and more time with my partner, but they are saying they have no more to give and that they think they are giving the appropriate amount of time? Both think they're right and both need what they want or have

  37. 6 months in a deep beautiful evolving relationship the love bomb was dropped he literally changed over night.

    He became harder to held hold off ? 🥺

    He treated me like a Queen he made me totally fall in love with him.

    9 months he is still around but after that love bit it never went back to how deep and attentive it was.

  38. I as a guy was very clingy and needy to a girl i was very afraid of losing. With my insecurities shining with full glory and being so needy is what pushed her further away when she said it was over. My messages and voice messages were the cause of her running and getting further. I should've watched this a long time ago, i should've been wiser and could've worked on that toxic side of me. I don't want her back, i just wish for her to forgive me from the way i made her feel and of the way i acted.

    I have been working on my way of being and trying hard to be new again.

  39. I just deleted a guy because I told him I needed a rest and not go any where this coming week. So, he emails back saying he fears I am leaving him. Call me, he writes and we will talk about it. Just stop. I need a rest from you. So, that was it. I was done. I blocked him from my phone, fb and email. Enough. Leave me alone. He was just smothering me. Emailing every day multiple times up to 10 per day.

  40. Question, what if you don’t have anything to say like what if you have no need? I’m clingy bc I have trust issues and I feel like if I don’t know what she’s doing I feel like she’s gonna cheat. And it’s NOTHING she did it’s just I have bad trust issues, like I know she wouldn’t cheat I just think she might

  41. I’m married to somebody he was Super romantic to his ex Wife and she’ve cheated on him and when he marry me he began his revenge….he never said a single loving word to me I’ve been married for 2years now…I receive no love from him or appreciation at all…when I ask him why he’s doing that to me…he said his heart is hard now and he cannot changing it …I just have to deal with it ….I love him but I can’t live with somebody like that ….he show no love to or respect …..pls I need your advice

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